Thursday, June 6, 2013

What helps also hurts

Since we lost Carter i have been seeking stories of others who have had stillborn babies. I have bought books, read blogs, joined online support groups, and talked with facebook friends who have had losses.  I have found that while it helps, it also hurts. Most of the time i shrug off what i read because it did not apply to me. I bought a book called About what was lost, by Jessica Berger Gross. When i first started reading the short stories i felt some relief. As i continued i was angered by the stories of women who didn't want their babies. People who wished for a miscarriage or had gotten a abortion made me angry. By the end of the book i was frustrated, as the last story the woman was relieved when she lost her baby.
In the 4 weeks since i lost Carter, i have never felt relief once for losing my son. I understand that there are different situations. But for me losing Carter was never an option. As i was reading i felt the most connection to her and her grief. She lost her baby at 40 weeks and some odd days. Much later then i did.
Reading stories about others makes me feel a bit better, but only because it reminds me that I am not alone.
Not alone in feeling like my body has failed me, my husband, and my adorable Carter.

Remember... You are not alone.

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