Friday, June 28, 2013


It's kind of funny Carter. When you are younger and your period comes you thank whatever deity you believe in that you are not pregnant. The waiting for the monthly "gift" causes excess worry. Your mind is filled with what ifs, and what would happen if you were accidentally pregnant.
Then jump ahead to when you are trying to get pregnant. You are again hoping, except now its for a positive on that little stick. Every negative test feels like a slap in the face. It feels like whatever deity you believe in is secretly laughing at you, and mocking you for even trying.
You get pregnant, and you are happy and celebrating with your husband, boyfriend, or whomever. You don't cherish every movement, every hiccup or jab to the ribs because you figure there will always be more. You complain about the back pain, and the morning sickness. Unaware that there are people who would give anything to be in your shoes. You are blissfully unaware in your first pregnancy. You know that things could go wrong, but you trust the doctors enough to believe that they will get your baby to you safely.
Then things go horribly wrong. You are blind sided by an empty doppler on your belly. You stare in shock at a screen with a still child. Your child. You scream in your head "move little one, just move!" The doctors start telling you a lot of information, most of it goes in one ear and out the other. The next hours both crawl and fly by. Everything is a blur, and you are just going through the motions. You go through labor and you are finally, and yet much too soon given your baby.
The baby is still, with eyes closed, little hands, little feet, and little chubby cheeks. Again you think please baby wake up, maybe just maybe if i hold him close enough he will wake up.
Again you are disappointed. Saddened that your mini version of you will never wake up. Will always have eyes closed, and never take a breath. You will be allowed a certain number of hours to hold him, kiss him, and be with him, it will never be enough. Nothing will ever be enough. There will always be a part of you that is missing without him.

Jump forward to when you are trying to get pregnant again. Trying so desperately to fill a tiny bit of that void left by him. Getting your monthly "gift" which feels like a slap in the face. Showing a brave smile with excuses such as "now i know where to start for ovulation." Buying tests whenever you go to the store because you know that you won't be lucky enough to only need one.

Today at Walmart i bought three of the 88 cent tests, along with a package of pads. I knew how weird it looked to the cashier, but i didn't know what to say. I'm sure there will be many more days where i don't know what to say...
I look forward to complaining about being pregnant, but secretly i will be cherishing every minute of it. I would give anything to be pregnant again with you Carter. I hope you know that me trying to get pregnant is not me replacing you, but me trying to fill a little bit of the void you have left in my heart.

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