Exactly 365 days ago I handed over my baby Carter to the nurse. It was around 9 am that my 6 hours of holding him before the autopsy were over. At that moment of devastation I honestly did not think that I would be alive 1 year later. Yet somehow I am here. Thank you to the few friends that stuck around and supported us in every way that they could. Thank you to the family that never stopped checking in and making sure that we were still going.We would not have made it without you. Carter, I would give anything, do anything, be anything to have you here with me for just a minute alive. Instead I try to be the best person I can be so that you can be proud of who your momma has become. I love you carter always and forever.. Happy first birthday. 

A mournful mothers day

Just a year ago..... I was CELEBRATING the life that was inside me wiggling around. I was IMAGINING what life would be like a year from then..... I IMAGINED a 9 month old baby scooting around exploring all the amazing sights, sounds and textures of the world. 

INSTEAD:

I have grief, sadness, longing, and ache for him. 

I have only what I can imagine life would be like. What he could have sounded like when he cried and cooed. So much has happened since we lost our little man, I guess i am thankful for small things. 

I am thankful that i got to celebrate one mothers day with him, Jess never got that opportunity. For him fathers day just brought grief and ache. I am thankful that his apple tree has bloomed and smells so amazing. I am thankful for those who have supported us in this past year through all the heartache and challenges that life has brought.

I am thankful that I have met new people in my life that make me feel like a semblance of what it was like before I lost him. 

I am also very thankful to have found a career that for just a few hours helps me, and distracts me from the loss. I have small victories in each of the children I work with, every single day. Even as simple as a smile after a hard day. 

Carter,

I feel that you have given me these opportunities, and I appreciate every single one of them.

Thank you for making me a mother. I would give everything I have to have you back. Since i can't i will take these small gifts and think of them as gifts from you.

Love you baby boy,

Mom