Saturday, June 8, 2013

31 weeks and the second shower

This weekend would have marked 31 weeks.... I was supposed to have the second baby shower tomorrow on Sunday. I was really looking forward to this one. It was held by my mom and grandma at my grandmas house. It was going to have really good food, and cheesy baby games. I was supposed to be opening presents for carter and bashfully thanking everyone for being so kind to him.

We knew months before that we were going to name our son Carter. Everyone knew him as such. When i called to give the devastating news to everyone i said "Carter"and everyone knew what i meant. Carter was already such a part of our family, and i can't imagine not talking about him as such. We also call him our little hawk, i call him my beanie baby (even though he was cauliflower size). Jesse found a red tail hawk stuffed animal that makes a hawk call at Joanne Fabric right before we went to N. Carolina. We took it with us and have been sleeping with it since we got it. Last night before i went to bed i talked to the little hawk stuffed animal and addressed it as Carter. Last night i was granted my first dream of Carter. In the dream he was born and alive, but he was at the NICU. We got to visit him there and the doctors expected him to get better, it was just a matter of time. In the dream he was shrouded in a blurry haze so i couldn't make out any of his features but i knew it was him. I woke up happy because i finally dreamt of him 4 weeks after having him. I was sad because he was already gone and I wouldn't have the chance to touch him or see him again.

I have thought of this dream as a gift and i am thankful i was able to dream of him even if i couldn't see him or touch him.

This is the red tailed hawk stuffed animal. It looks better in real life.

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