Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Scrapbooking for you

Two months ago i started making a scrapbook for Carter. I knew that i wanted something that i could just put photos on. I figured that we would be sleep deprived, and a little crazy. Little did i know that i would be insanely sad, and just puttering through my life. It has been 3 weeks and 4 days since we held him, kissed him and tried to memorize his face. I tried to do other crafty things but i was unsuccessful with all of them. Finally i turned on the new matchbox 20 cd, North and started working on his book. I cried through almost every single page, singing along with the music. When that cd was over i switched to the newest Killers cd. There was a song that said "Don't want your picture on my cell phone, I want you here with me..." It was a song about a girl, but hit home. My lock screen is the tattoo design of a baby hawk that J (husband) did, and the background is Carters picture.
Once i got to a point that i was done for the night i brought the scrapbook out to show J. He cried from page one, in this beautiful sobbing sort of way. I could never doubt his love for his son. I am kind of jealous of how he cries. Mine is this wimpy sniffling, tears running down my face sort of crying. His is a chest shaking, loud sobbing. He thanked me for making the scrapbook and said it was beautiful. I appreciated his kind words as nothing feels good enough for our son. We also were given a bird bath at Carters party. Today we took it outside and filled it up. I also hung up the pinecone wind chime by his tree. The middle of our yard has kind of become a shrine to Carter. A place for the birds to play, right by his tree. 

J and I felt like our emotions were repressed for the last 5 days being in N. Carolina with his mom. My mom has this ability to make everyone else cry when she cries, or talks about something sad. Whereas J's mom has this hard exterior. Needless to say i lost it at target over a baby shower invitation which had  spots for people to write in dreams, goals, wishes etc. for the child. J was angry through the day and i knew it was a matter of time before he lost it. The scrapbook cracked him open too. My hope is that Carter can see the scrapbook and know how very much he is and always will be loved. 

My sister F watched our house while we were out of town. She spent the night last night even though we were home. She said that a monarch butterfly got in the house and that the cats chased it and it vanished behind the printer. I was unable to find the butterfly as i wanted to save it. I know that butterflies are considered good luck. We could sure use some as this has been a horrific year for us already. 

This morning i took a pregnancy test and was oddly relieved to find that my hcg level was back to normal and gave me a negative test. I was relieved because i would be second guessing if it came back positive. So at least i will know that when i do get a positive that it is a real positive, and not a false positive. I believe that it is much too early for a positive pregnancy test even if i am pregnant again. 

J made me laugh last night. After we had sex he said something like "you have been fertilized." It was the silliest thing i have ever heard, and yet so oddly true. I love my husband for his odd honesty, and hilarious sense of humor. I am so happy that he is my partner in life.

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