Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Another Baby

Our friends Y & M foster 2 little girls ages 2 & 1. They got the brother of these 2 girls, who is just a few days old. I asked Y if i could come and meet him. I was not sure if i wanted to hold him but the second i saw him i knew. I just needed that little bundle of baby, even if he wasn't mine. I held onto him for 2 hours. Never once did i forget about you, I wished that you were him, but it was nice to hold a baby even if it wasn't you. Now that i am home and thinking of you i smell my hands which smell like baby, a reminder that you are not in the room over. You are no longer here and for that I am terribly sad.

I just wanted to let you know that I never stop thinking of you Carter, even when It seems like i have.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

3 months and 1 day

Hi Carter,
Its been 3 months and 1 day since we said hello and goodbye. I have never had such a difficult 3 months in my life. 2013 has been a terrible year for your daddy and I. Its true that you notice stuff more when you have it or want it. In my case every child in a room I see, every cry I hear my heart aches, and every smile makes me smile and then feel the sadness looming over. Today at Panera Bread a little girl was running at me, as little 1-2 years old do in a hobbling sort of way. She got fairly close to my knees and I just wanted to have a knee hug. That was when it slapped me in the face that i will never get knee hugs from you, or slobbery kisses. I was nice enough and asked the mom behind the counter about her daughter. When your dad and i sat down to eat a baby was crying. It felt like someone was repeatedly ripping the bandaid off. A few minutes ago I got on facebook. My friend from grad school posted a photo of her son who turned 2 months old today, as did a band that had their son 2 months ago. I am usually prepared for baby photos from my friend but today marked an anniversary for them. I couldn't believe how much it hurt to read that. An anniversary that you will never have. Not even 1 second or 1 minute. We never got to experience you being alive outside of me. This realization hurts more than anything I ever had experienced.

As if not having you is bad enough, things are not lining up in my life. I can't get a job in my field. I am trying to be positive and put a spin on it that I am meant for greater things but it still hurts. Your dad and I have started trying again this cycle. We should know in a little under 2 weeks if we were lucky enough to get pregnant again. Honestly, I am just missing you and wanting you. As great as it will be to have a healthy living baby, it won't make me stop missing or loving you. That Carter will never change. I love you sweet baby boy, today and forever.

<3 mom

Monday, August 12, 2013

Emotional Bridal Shower

Yesterday I was excited to go to my cousin-to-be's bridal shower. This is a union that I was happy to support. I went with my mom and was having a good time when my grandma's sisters arrived. The first thing on of them asked me was "Did you hold H's baby yet?" i replied with no i probably never will, She replied with "Oh you will, you will get over things, this too shall pass" I did not respond I just bailed.

Shortly after my cousin who just had the baby H, showed up with new baby. About 2 feet behind me people were oohing and aahing over the new baby. My mom's eyes welled up and she fled. I sat trying to get my self together, when my grandpa's sister came up. She touched my back and asked how I was doing. I lost it and she dragged me into the back, I busted out of a back door and cried and cried for at least 20 minutes. She asked if she could say a prayer with me and I agreed. My mom came out in a frenzy and said she had looked everywhere for me and was worried I had gone out to the main road to throw myself into traffic. I said no that I was just back behind the building trying to let my cousin-to-be enjoy her day.

Later, my grandma A came to sit across from me. Someone came up and started talking to her and my grandma was talking about how wonderful it was to be a grandma to a new baby. It really hurt. It felt harder then someone repeatedly slapping me in the face. I cried all the way to my moms house, and to the restaurant where we got food after the shower.

This day really sucked. My cousin who just had the baby 3 days before Carter's due date said "I didn't think she would be here" Really? Because if i just had a baby I wouldn't have come. It is too much of a risk to be worth it.

Friday, August 9, 2013

I heard your name and for just a second.....

As i walked through the doors of Target, the voice of a mother yelled out "Carter!!" and for just a second I forgot that you were gone. I turned to look and felt my stomach drop as the realization hit me. I was a mother with no living child. I will probably spend my life looking when i hear the name Carter, while my stomach drops to the floor. My heart feeling like a stake has gone through it, with no relief that comes from being undead.

Yesterday was your due date. I cried off and on through out the day. Your grandma L came over with balloons. We set up your bench from her and your step grandpa J. It looks beautiful with your tree. Your grandpa C called to let us know that he was thinking of you. We released balloons again, and ate the lone apple on your tree. It was sour, but i couldn't let any of it go to waste. Later friends K & S came over and we talked about you, and ate a marble cheesecake and drank coffee. 

Everyday i miss you. Everyday i want you. 

Your memorial 

Your dad, Kaeci and me.

Your grandma L watching her balloon float away.

Your dad and I holding your apple.

I think that this looks like you would have. 

Your dad and I releasing the balloons to you.

Me watching the balloons float away.
I love you my little hawk.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Wild and crazy day

Today started out happy. I went to my primary doctor's office and suspected pregnancy ( i have all the symptoms) and they gave me a urine test. That came back positive! I was so happy it was really hard to keep it from my husband. I luckily was with my mom so i told her first. We were so happy and elated and buzzing around target like happy little bees. Then i called my grandma because i was bursting to tell someone else. She was so happy and exclaimed "Oh...Amber...." (a happy oh amber!) Then we went to lunch with some family friends that i had not seen in 10+ years. 

After lunch i went to the restroom and noticed spotting and a clot. All the blood drained out of my face. I went to mom and she said are you ready to go and i said yes. I called the high risk ob and they told me to go to the er. I went and after 6 hours we had our results. 
I was not pregnant, and they believe that i never was. They think it was a false positive from the doctors office. 

So far i feel content, and feel hope for the future. I have not smiled or felt happy since Carter's passing. 

I feel that my baby boy gave me a gift. He knew i was struggling, and knew that i so desperately wanted to be pregnant. He gave me hope, and showed me that i can be happy again. I wish i had the ability to give my clients this gift. 

I love you Carter, and I thank you for this gift. You know that i would happily take you instead of another baby, but i appreciate you watching out for us. 

Ps. We have noticed you in hawk, bird, praying mantis, and butterfly form. 
PPS. Grandma knows that you are watching over her in dove form.

Love you,

Monday, August 5, 2013

I wish it was just a terrible dream

Carter, I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned all night, as my heart wrenched thinking of you. Every muscle hurt, every vein, every tendon, every cell in my body ached for you. I knew I wouldn't get to hold you in my arms on Thursday when you were supposed to be born. Everyday that gets closer to Thursday hurts so much worse then the previous day. Its as if a wound is getting more infected by the day.
 I drove out to my mom & grandmas house looking for some distraction. I got lost in the country trying a different way to get to their houses. It felt nice to just drive with the wind blowing through my hair. I had the radio off and I was just listening to the sounds of nature, and my car on the the pavement. It took me 40 minutes to realize I had taken the wrong path. I figured out where to go and continued on my trip. When i arrived the first thing i asked my grandma was "did my cousin have her baby." "no, not yet" said my grandma.

Later I had this tugging feeling that it was time to go see my mom. I got in the car and drove over there. The first thing my step dad said was "she had her baby." I felt numb.... no, numb doesn't even cover it. I was in shock, I could barely form a thought, the words "she had her baby" kept circling through my head. My mom arrived, and said that she went to grandmas trying to get to me so she could tell me and be there for me. 2 minutes too late..... but it was okay. As soon as she came into the door and grabbed me into a warm embrace the tears started to pour down my face. I could feel a little sob coming out, and the thought of "why her, why not me, why did i deserve this? Why don't i get my Carter?"

Carter..... My Sweet Baby Boy Carter...... Why do I only get photos and memories of your sweet face, and your smell of french fries. Never getting to hear you cry, or laugh. I never get hear a word from your sweet mouth, never get to hold you as you nuzzle up to me. I never get to read you stories, or paint with you. I never get to build a lego castle, or teach you how to garden. I never get to watch your mouth wide open in awe as we take you to the zoo, or an aquarium. I never get to have you to hold again...... Why Carter..... Why am i left to saying hello to hawks, birds, butterflies, and rainbows. Writing to you online, and in a journal but never getting to say anything to you again.

I miss you every second of every day, and I don't know.... no i hope i never stop missing you.
I know in my heart that you will always be there.....
I desperately hope that someday we will be reunited. I hope that you are a newborn, and that we are able to live out our lives together...... Mommy and Son.....

I love you my sweet Hawk..... My first baby boy Carter.....

-A, Mom

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Its killing me

Carter, today marks 4 days until your due date on August 8th. My cousin who was due on the 3rd hasn't had her baby yet. I am so insanely jealous of her having a healthy baby, and I know that she won't be grateful that she had a healthy living child.
Today your dad and I went to J & E's house. They are these 2 sweet old ladies who live together. E loves talking to me because I actually talk to her and keep my face staring at her. (She is hard of hearing) She asked about you and said that she was terribly sad for us and wanted to know all the technical details about you passing, and what could have been done. I really like E.

Your dad today said that we should have been up to our necks in baby. Yet here we are up to our necks in grief. I thought things were getting better but I was just tricking myself. Every day that gets closer to when we were supposed to meet you is 1 day that gets harder and harder. I cried myself to sleep last night Carter. Things are so terrible without you with us and my chubby belly is a constant reminder of what should have been you.

 I keep thinking things have to get better eventually we have hit the bottom of grief & bad situations. Yet, we have no baby, no you, no job, and your dad and I keep biting off each others heads. I wish that i could just crawl in a hole and sleep until I am pregnant again, with a job in my field. It seems ridiculous to even complain about a job on here with losing you. It is what is going through my head all the time. Job/You/new baby, around and around and around.

I miss you so much my little Carter, and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to ever forget you.

Love you always,