Thursday, June 20, 2013


My sweet Carter,
Yesterday was my 27th birthday. I knew it would be hard but it was much harder than i had anticipated. I cried 3 different times yesterday. It was hard to enjoy the day but i tried my hardest. I wanted you to enjoy watching my birthday if you could see. I got birthday freebies,  and spent the day with my mom (your grandma Lisa) and your dad. It turned out to be a decent day after all, just harder than any other birthdays. I swore that you visited me yesterday. I don't mean to sound like a nutter Carter, but i swear. (a door that was closed slammed shut, and a stamp of baby hand prints stamped perfect blue hand prints to a mommy and me frame that your grandma lisa got me.) It was nice to think that you were visiting for my birthday, i appreciate it.

There were 4 other women having babies around the same time as me. 2 friends from graduate school, my cousin who is due a week before i was due (early august), and a musician i like (walk off the earth.) Well one of my friends from graduate school had her son a month early and he was born a day before my birthday, and the musician had her son about a week late, also a boy. I am so very happy for these two, especially my friend. But i am also insanely jealous. Why can't you be here with me and your family? What did i do to deserve losing you? Coping with my loss is bad enough, but toss in beautiful baby boys and it gets so much worse. I miss you so much, it hurts. Enjoying life again is hard. I don't want to, i just want you. *sigh...* Since i can't have you i will continue to carry on your memory, and talk about my first born son, if i am ever successful at having children.....

My last post on here your dad commented in the comments section. I wanted to post it officially.
"Your Daddy misses you so much. I'm sorry I haven't been able to write to you as much as your mommy, but know that my heart is filled with just as much love as your mother's heart. I'm glad she's writing you, and I'm glad you seem to keep trying to talk to us in you're owns special way. Don't stop, we can feel you in our hearts."

This makes me happy that he posted here, i wish he would write to you more often Carter. He is writing a story for you Carter. I think you would have liked it. Hopefully he will make it into a comic book with an image of what we think you would have looked like older.

I love you sweetie,
Talk to you soon.
P.s. i thought writing mom almost every day for a month would make me feel more like a mom but it feels like a lie. How am i mom to a child who is no longer with us? 

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