yesterday was exhausting as i helped your grandpa C & step grandma J & 5 aunts and uncles (ages 4-15) move. I was glad that i helped but i feel even more tired today then i did yesterday. There was a pregnant woman at his house. She is due 2 weeks before i was supposed to be with you. It was hard to see how big her belly was when mine is flatter and just flab, not a baby. Step-grandma J's mom L was there. She said "now you can just move on." I have never been a fan of her as her personality is very abrasive and not warm at all. She did take me aside and ask a few questions about you, which was uncharacteristic of her. I get that she was trying, but really she couldn't think of anything better except for move on?
Oh Carter what i would give to have you alive and healthy. Either in my belly, or cooing and giggling in your pack and play. Everyday i look out at your garden, and watch the apple grow where you will not. Oh how i so very much wish i could see you.
I find that since i lost you i go out of my way to attach meaning to things. Yesterday i saw a cluster of white butterflies while i was driving to my dad. There had to of been at least 30-50 of them all in a circular formation. I thought to myself that it was you. A few minutes later i saw two hawks flying overhead, again i thought it must have been you. I need to believe that you are with us in someway/shape/form.
Yesterday when i got home from moving i saw a bit of pink when i used the bathroom. I thought is it possible that i could be pregnant and having implantation bleeding? Is my period coming? or was it just a fluke. Today i woke up and there isn't anymore pink. So in a few days i will test and see if it comes up positive or negative. Oh carter how i hope it is positive, not to replace you but to replace a bit of this emptiness with some hope.