Funny

It's kind of funny Carter. When you are younger and your period comes you thank whatever deity you believe in that you are not pregnant. The waiting for the monthly "gift" causes excess worry. Your mind is filled with what ifs, and what would happen if you were accidentally pregnant.
Then jump ahead to when you are trying to get pregnant. You are again hoping, except now its for a positive on that little stick. Every negative test feels like a slap in the face. It feels like whatever deity you believe in is secretly laughing at you, and mocking you for even trying.
You get pregnant, and you are happy and celebrating with your husband, boyfriend, or whomever. You don't cherish every movement, every hiccup or jab to the ribs because you figure there will always be more. You complain about the back pain, and the morning sickness. Unaware that there are people who would give anything to be in your shoes. You are blissfully unaware in your first pregnancy. You know that things could go wrong, but you trust the doctors enough to believe that they will get your baby to you safely.
Then things go horribly wrong. You are blind sided by an empty doppler on your belly. You stare in shock at a screen with a still child. Your child. You scream in your head "move little one, just move!" The doctors start telling you a lot of information, most of it goes in one ear and out the other. The next hours both crawl and fly by. Everything is a blur, and you are just going through the motions. You go through labor and you are finally, and yet much too soon given your baby.
The baby is still, with eyes closed, little hands, little feet, and little chubby cheeks. Again you think please baby wake up, maybe just maybe if i hold him close enough he will wake up.
Again you are disappointed. Saddened that your mini version of you will never wake up. Will always have eyes closed, and never take a breath. You will be allowed a certain number of hours to hold him, kiss him, and be with him, it will never be enough. Nothing will ever be enough. There will always be a part of you that is missing without him.

Jump forward to when you are trying to get pregnant again. Trying so desperately to fill a tiny bit of that void left by him. Getting your monthly "gift" which feels like a slap in the face. Showing a brave smile with excuses such as "now i know where to start for ovulation." Buying tests whenever you go to the store because you know that you won't be lucky enough to only need one.

Today at Walmart i bought three of the 88 cent tests, along with a package of pads. I knew how weird it looked to the cashier, but i didn't know what to say. I'm sure there will be many more days where i don't know what to say...
I look forward to complaining about being pregnant, but secretly i will be cherishing every minute of it. I would give anything to be pregnant again with you Carter. I hope you know that me trying to get pregnant is not me replacing you, but me trying to fill a little bit of the void you have left in my heart.

5 Signs of Healing from Grief

5 Signs of Healing from Grief

From http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com
I find i really relate to her, even though her baby was farther along than my baby.

Anniversary of love

Today marks your father and I's anniversary Carter. Below is the post i made on Facebook about him and me and our anniversary.
Today marks 4 years married to (J.R) and 8 years total together. We have had wonderful times together, and horrific times together. If i had to do it all over again i definitely would. My only change is i would have said yes, the first time you asked me out on a date, instead of like the 8th time. If i could chose who to go through those horrific times with again i would choose you. You are my life partner, my best friend, and a father to Carter. I wouldn't change that for anything. I love you J.R with all of my heart, and some how that love continues to grow. Thank you for standing by my side through this terrible time, and for being here when things are not so terrible. You are perfect just the way you are, in every aspect imaginable. I am one very lucky lady to call you mine. Love you slater ;)

We both are pretty glum lately but i have an idea of what to do for our anniversary. I love you little guy.

is it possible

Hi Carter,
yesterday was exhausting as i helped your grandpa C & step grandma J & 5 aunts and uncles (ages 4-15) move. I was glad that i helped but i feel even more tired today then i did yesterday. There was a pregnant woman at his house. She is due 2 weeks before i was supposed to be with you. It was hard to see how big her belly was when mine is flatter and just flab, not a baby. Step-grandma J's mom L was there. She said "now you can just move on." I have never been a fan of her as her personality is very abrasive and not warm at all. She did take me aside and ask a few questions about you, which was uncharacteristic of her. I get that she was trying, but really she couldn't think of anything better except for move on?

Oh Carter what i would give to have you alive and healthy. Either in my belly, or cooing and giggling in your pack and play. Everyday i look out at your garden, and watch the apple grow where you will not. Oh how i so very much wish i could see you.
I find that since i lost you i go out of my way to attach meaning to things. Yesterday i saw a cluster of white butterflies while i was driving to my dad. There had to of been at least 30-50 of them all in a circular formation. I thought to myself that it was you. A few minutes later i saw two hawks flying overhead, again i thought it must have been you. I need to believe that you are with us in someway/shape/form.

Yesterday when i got home from moving i saw a bit of pink when i used the bathroom. I thought is it possible that i could be pregnant and having implantation bleeding? Is my period coming? or was it just a fluke. Today i woke up and there isn't anymore pink. So in a few days i will test and see if it comes up positive or negative. Oh carter how i hope it is positive, not to replace you but to replace a bit of this emptiness with some hope.

Birthday

My sweet Carter,
Yesterday was my 27th birthday. I knew it would be hard but it was much harder than i had anticipated. I cried 3 different times yesterday. It was hard to enjoy the day but i tried my hardest. I wanted you to enjoy watching my birthday if you could see. I got birthday freebies,  and spent the day with my mom (your grandma Lisa) and your dad. It turned out to be a decent day after all, just harder than any other birthdays. I swore that you visited me yesterday. I don't mean to sound like a nutter Carter, but i swear. (a door that was closed slammed shut, and a stamp of baby hand prints stamped perfect blue hand prints to a mommy and me frame that your grandma lisa got me.) It was nice to think that you were visiting for my birthday, i appreciate it.

There were 4 other women having babies around the same time as me. 2 friends from graduate school, my cousin who is due a week before i was due (early august), and a musician i like (walk off the earth.) Well one of my friends from graduate school had her son a month early and he was born a day before my birthday, and the musician had her son about a week late, also a boy. I am so very happy for these two, especially my friend. But i am also insanely jealous. Why can't you be here with me and your family? What did i do to deserve losing you? Coping with my loss is bad enough, but toss in beautiful baby boys and it gets so much worse. I miss you so much, it hurts. Enjoying life again is hard. I don't want to, i just want you. *sigh...* Since i can't have you i will continue to carry on your memory, and talk about my first born son, if i am ever successful at having children.....

My last post on here your dad commented in the comments section. I wanted to post it officially.
"Your Daddy misses you so much. I'm sorry I haven't been able to write to you as much as your mommy, but know that my heart is filled with just as much love as your mother's heart. I'm glad she's writing you, and I'm glad you seem to keep trying to talk to us in you're owns special way. Don't stop, we can feel you in our hearts."

This makes me happy that he posted here, i wish he would write to you more often Carter. He is writing a story for you Carter. I think you would have liked it. Hopefully he will make it into a comic book with an image of what we think you would have looked like older.

I love you sweetie,
Talk to you soon.
-Mom
P.s. i thought writing mom almost every day for a month would make me feel more like a mom but it feels like a lie. How am i mom to a child who is no longer with us? 

Journaling

Carter i hope that if you somehow can read my blog to know how much i love and miss you. Tomorrow is my 27th birthday but it doesn't feel like it should be celebrated. We lost you a few days over a month ago... I was expecting to be huge and waddling around. I was looking forward to happily rubbing my belly while talking about you. Two baby showers would have been done by now and i figured we would be washing and folding the clothing, setting up the crib, and painting the pink wall red. In some ways i feel that we jinxed you by not painting the wall. I know that is a silly thought.

The animals have been so great Carter. You would have loved them. Toboe the short haired tabby cat curls up by my head and purrs me to sleep. I wake up to Brewster the long haired tabby cat touching my face with his paw and kissing my nose. Loki the border collie is crazy and kisses my face until i laugh when i am crying. He is big and clumsy, but he means well. Kaeci has been driving me crazy lately but she is a 12 year old sheltie-schnauzer. She likes to cuddle on the bed and sometimes lets me put my arm over her. I can't imagine going through the loss of you without animals. Your dad is great and is trying to be supportive but he has his own grief to go through and hasn't been getting much support from many people. Your grandma Lisa has been great though and has gone above and beyond what is expected of a mother in law. But she has always been good like that.

I am looking into the back yard Carter and looking at what is your memorial garden. Your special tree has one apple growing big and strong on it. To the right of the tree is your gift from moe the cast iron pine cone. To the left is your royal blue bird bath from your second aunt marie, uncle mark, and second cousins stephanie, steven, and jessica. I mention this because Loki and Kaeci were just being their usual goofy dog selves. Loki was standing on his hind legs drinking from the bird bath. A few minutes later Kaeci did the same. I was worried that the bird bath was going to fall down, but the dogs seemed to know how special it is and were careful not to knock it over.

I'm sorry for babbling Carter, i just want to talk to you.

Just know my little one that I am thinking of you always and even when i am having fun you are still on my mind.

Love,
Momma Amber

Scrapbooking for you

Two months ago i started making a scrapbook for Carter. I knew that i wanted something that i could just put photos on. I figured that we would be sleep deprived, and a little crazy. Little did i know that i would be insanely sad, and just puttering through my life. It has been 3 weeks and 4 days since we held him, kissed him and tried to memorize his face. I tried to do other crafty things but i was unsuccessful with all of them. Finally i turned on the new matchbox 20 cd, North and started working on his book. I cried through almost every single page, singing along with the music. When that cd was over i switched to the newest Killers cd. There was a song that said "Don't want your picture on my cell phone, I want you here with me..." It was a song about a girl, but hit home. My lock screen is the tattoo design of a baby hawk that J (husband) did, and the background is Carters picture.

Once i got to a point that i was done for the night i brought the scrapbook out to show J. He cried from page one, in this beautiful sobbing sort of way. I could never doubt his love for his son. I am kind of jealous of how he cries. Mine is this wimpy sniffling, tears running down my face sort of crying. His is a chest shaking, loud sobbing. He thanked me for making the scrapbook and said it was beautiful. I appreciated his kind words as nothing feels good enough for our son. We also were given a bird bath at Carters party. Today we took it outside and filled it up. I also hung up the pinecone wind chime by his tree. The middle of our yard has kind of become a shrine to Carter. A place for the birds to play, right by his tree. 

J and I felt like our emotions were repressed for the last 5 days being in N. Carolina with his mom. My mom has this ability to make everyone else cry when she cries, or talks about something sad. Whereas J's mom has this hard exterior. Needless to say i lost it at target over a baby shower invitation which had  spots for people to write in dreams, goals, wishes etc. for the child. J was angry through the day and i knew it was a matter of time before he lost it. The scrapbook cracked him open too. My hope is that Carter can see the scrapbook and know how very much he is and always will be loved. 

My sister F watched our house while we were out of town. She spent the night last night even though we were home. She said that a monarch butterfly got in the house and that the cats chased it and it vanished behind the printer. I was unable to find the butterfly as i wanted to save it. I know that butterflies are considered good luck. We could sure use some as this has been a horrific year for us already. 

This morning i took a pregnancy test and was oddly relieved to find that my hcg level was back to normal and gave me a negative test. I was relieved because i would be second guessing if it came back positive. So at least i will know that when i do get a positive that it is a real positive, and not a false positive. I believe that it is much too early for a positive pregnancy test even if i am pregnant again. 

J made me laugh last night. After we had sex he said something like "you have been fertilized." It was the silliest thing i have ever heard, and yet so oddly true. I love my husband for his odd honesty, and hilarious sense of humor. I am so happy that he is my partner in life.

31 weeks and the second shower

This weekend would have marked 31 weeks.... I was supposed to have the second baby shower tomorrow on Sunday. I was really looking forward to this one. It was held by my mom and grandma at my grandmas house. It was going to have really good food, and cheesy baby games. I was supposed to be opening presents for carter and bashfully thanking everyone for being so kind to him.

We knew months before that we were going to name our son Carter. Everyone knew him as such. When i called to give the devastating news to everyone i said "Carter"and everyone knew what i meant. Carter was already such a part of our family, and i can't imagine not talking about him as such. We also call him our little hawk, i call him my beanie baby (even though he was cauliflower size). Jesse found a red tail hawk stuffed animal that makes a hawk call at Joanne Fabric right before we went to N. Carolina. We took it with us and have been sleeping with it since we got it. Last night before i went to bed i talked to the little hawk stuffed animal and addressed it as Carter. Last night i was granted my first dream of Carter. In the dream he was born and alive, but he was at the NICU. We got to visit him there and the doctors expected him to get better, it was just a matter of time. In the dream he was shrouded in a blurry haze so i couldn't make out any of his features but i knew it was him. I woke up happy because i finally dreamt of him 4 weeks after having him. I was sad because he was already gone and I wouldn't have the chance to touch him or see him again.

I have thought of this dream as a gift and i am thankful i was able to dream of him even if i couldn't see him or touch him.

This is the red tailed hawk stuffed animal. It looks better in real life.

Like a.....

This weekend my husband and i have been set up at Heroes Comic Convention in Charlotte, NC. It has been okay but we have both been really bummed by the children at the show. Mostly little brown haired babies in superhero costumes. It is so hard to see all these babies and not wonder why couldn't my baby still be alive. I was doing okay though.. well "okay" being I had not cried since Tuesday. I took this as coping, but was getting easily irritated and mad at stupid stuff. We drove down here with my husbands mom and stayed with his mom's college friend M.

Today when we got back from the show M had left us a gift on the bed we are sleeping on. Enclosed was a sweet card which said she wished she would have had the chance to know Carter. I felt the tears in my eyes but they did not come. About 10 minutes later my husband was showing M pictures of Carter. She kept putting her hand over her mouth, and saying how perfect and sweet he was. She was talking to me while my husband went to sit down on a chair. She kept talking about Carter even after i had stopped and touched upon things he should have been able to do. I lost it, the tears came and M kept talking about it making the tears continue. I could tell my husbands mom was uncomfortable, but whatever. I appreciated M's support and love for us and Carter. My son is a very lucky boy to have so many people love him and appreciate him. Even when people stop talking about him I have to remember that he is still in everyones hearts.

This is what M got us in remembrance of Carter. It will look amazing next to his tree.

What helps also hurts

Since we lost Carter i have been seeking stories of others who have had stillborn babies. I have bought books, read blogs, joined online support groups, and talked with facebook friends who have had losses.  I have found that while it helps, it also hurts. Most of the time i shrug off what i read because it did not apply to me. I bought a book called About what was lost, by Jessica Berger Gross. When i first started reading the short stories i felt some relief. As i continued i was angered by the stories of women who didn't want their babies. People who wished for a miscarriage or had gotten a abortion made me angry. By the end of the book i was frustrated, as the last story the woman was relieved when she lost her baby.
In the 4 weeks since i lost Carter, i have never felt relief once for losing my son. I understand that there are different situations. But for me losing Carter was never an option. As i was reading http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com i felt the most connection to her and her grief. She lost her baby at 40 weeks and some odd days. Much later then i did.
Reading stories about others makes me feel a bit better, but only because it reminds me that I am not alone.
Not alone in feeling like my body has failed me, my husband, and my adorable Carter.

Remember... You are not alone.

My pet peeve

Today my husband and i went to my O.B.'s office for my after birth appointment. It was the first time we had seen her since our son had passed away. (We saw her a week prior and heard his heartbeat)
We got there on time, and were taken to a room fairly quickly. We sat in the room for about 10ish minutes before the nurse came in and said she would be another 10 minutes. I sighed, i hate to wait and i really didn't feel like going to this appointment. She left me a rude voicemail on friday, and i just wasn't feeling it. But i sucked it up and waited...
When she finally came in she talked and most of what she said really irritated me. The only helpful thing she said was that Carter did not suffocate like i thought (the autopsy said respiratory distress) and that he went peacefully. That made me feel slightly better. The rest of the time i wanted to flee. She said "You won't get pregnant for 3 months" my husband said "what happens if we do??" she said "well then its meant to be." I didn't feel reassured by her for next time, and just left feeling cranky.
The rest of the day i ran errands with my husband, and seeing babies and pregnant women just slowly grated on me. When i got home i had plans to write my essay to try and get into a doctorate program, and a few thank you cards.
I just feel exhausted, and missing my baby hawk....

I love you carter honey.

Carter's Party

June 1st, 2013 we had a what we called "a celebration of life party." I had remembered from my childhood that my mom's friend Debbie had a party when her dad passed away. He wanted to be remembered in a good way, and for his children to have support and love from family and friends but to not have a sad event. I decided that i wanted the same thing for Carter and my husband agreed. The party started at 3pm on Saturday and people started showing up about half an hour early. We had an amazing turn out and people stayed for a really long time. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. We had delicious food, beverages, and a variety of desserts. If Carter was watching, which i like to think he was, he would have loved all the people there for him.

Near the end of the celebration when only friends, and my mom and step sister remained we decided to write messages on balloons. We went out to his apple tree, lit his birthday cake and sang happy birthday to him. Then we released the balloons.

We came inside and ate his cake which was confetti cake with chocolate frosting. It was perfectly moist and delicious. My friends ravenously ate it even after all of the other desserts at the party. The party was perfect and i felt so lucky to have such good friends and family around to support us and love Carter.