Hello again grief, you sick disgusting twisted waste of space.....
I guess that isn't true.....
You have a purpose, it means that i love my son.....
That every day i think of him,
every day i long to hold him,
see him,
touch him,
smell him......
I know i haven't posted since November....
The holiday season took me away.......
I focused on just surviving.....
and something happened.....
I survived...... I cried...... I longed..... but i survived
and some how Carter, you helped us get through it.
After the 1st holiday season without you all that is left to get through is the day that you entered the world..... and mothers day......
I struggle so much with deciding what to call your "birth."
I am doing better, coping better i guess or learning to live with the dull ache that not having you has brought........
Carter, i don't know what to do little hawk. I need a break from trying for a baby...... I can't take the shots anymore...... I can't take more miscarriages...... I can't take more anxiety then i am already living with......
I am spent little man. I find myself coming above the water gasping, when I am out of the house hanging with a new friend, or spontaneously agreeing to a road trip.
I fall back down when I am reminded that you are not physically with me. Every photo on facebook of babies, or when i am twisted enough to look at photos of my cousins baby........
I miss you always, just some days a bandaid is over the wound and other days salt has been poured in.......
Love you, and i didn't forget about you.... I just didn't know what to say......
