Saturday, November 16, 2013

The Hawk in the Tree

Tomorrow is November 17th, 2013. It will be 6 months exactly since we met you, held you, and said goodbye to you. The only photos of us together as a family.....

I sit here typing to you Carter, and i wish i knew if you knew what i was writing to you. I see pictures of my cousins baby who was born just a few days before you were supposed to be. I watch her growing into her features and see traits of her mom peeking out. I need you so much Carter, and no matter how many times i say it, it doesn't get any less true. I look at my photo of you next to my computer, i see you as if you were sleeping instead of you, being my lifeless baby boy. A baby who never took a breath. My perfect little man, so red and looking like any second you could take a breath. I hold onto to the few memories of you because they are all i will ever have of you.

Yesterday I ran through the mall chasing my friend's son Mateo. He is almost five and already seems so old. For a fleeting second as i chased him, I could imagine that I was chasing you. You running with your little legs carrying you so fast. The sound of your laughter as it carried down the hallway. The look on your face when I finally caught you and brought your face up to mine. That was when the glimpse was gone, and I saw his face, and not yours. I am glad for these glimpses of how life could be, but they also make life just that much more difficult to face. 

I tried to find a movie to watch today Carter.... Every single one i chose mentioned the loss of a child, or trying to get pregnant. Eventually i turned them off, and turned to a cartoon. Something I would have enjoyed watching with you. 

I can still feel the way your skin felt when I held you. I sometimes wish I could have bathed you, like I read some parents do before they say goodbye to their child. You were so delicate, and your skin was flaking off near the end. It felt as if you were going to turn to ash, and blow away before you ever met the fire. 

More often then not Carter, I find myself in a place where I wish i would have joined you. We could have been two souls carried off together, forging a new path as Mother and Son. But I wouldn't join you now Carter, as much as I would love to, I think i would end up in a place where the deserters go. Whereas you must be in the place where families meet, and dreams continue. 

I feel like I am losing not only me Carter, but your dad too. He goes to a dark place every day, and I worry that one day he won't return. Our relationship is different as i knew it would be. I just don't know if i will be able to reconnect again. I feel like a failure for not getting pregnant. It is as if every ones hope rests on my ability to conceive. 

I wish i could just get on a raft and float away into the sea with all my worries, and sadness floating away with them. 

Your dad saw a giant hawk fly into the tree behind our house. We were in the car cleaning and your dad stopped me talking to point it out. I was discussing increased hours as work when it flew into the tree. Your dad said it was some kind of sign..... 

I want to hold you, touch you, smell you, hear you, and know that you are just a room away waiting to be held, fed, or cuddled..... 

I have to believe that you are with us Carter......... 

Somewhere.... out there....... 

Monday, November 4, 2013

Think of me fondly

Do the dead miss us like we miss them? Does Ian think of our times together and miss the space that we occupied in his life? But what about Carter. Does he miss the life he could have lead, or are those who have never experienced life outside of the womb in a kind of stasis until his parents are reunited with him again. These are the types of thoughts I have Carter. Life without you is an empty space. A space that will never be filled and that will always be hollow waiting for you. All the could have beens, and the should have beens. Every twitch in my belly reminds me of when you were inside kicking away. My little Karate kid. I notice everything now and seem to associate meaning with your death. Your name. A song. A crying baby. A religious person giving materials. Is this your way of saying hey you guys I'm here, and I'm missing you just as much? I sure hope so Carter. The idea that someday we will meet face to face keeps me going on the hardest of days. The idea of us recognizing each other in whatever afterlife there is. I get to embrace you, smell you, kiss you and never have to let you go. It will be you, me and your dad for all of eternity. Or as a cartoon character says "to infinity and beyond!" That's buzz light year Carter, I thought you would have looked so cute as baby buzz. 

Tomorrow I start a new job carter and I hope I can make a big difference in these kids lives. I want you to be proud of me when we meet again. Hopefully I get the opportunity to be a mother to a child that lives outside of me, so that one day it can be the four of us. It's funny Carter, before you I only wanted one child. But just being with you for 7 months makes me want at least 1 more. I can have you watching me from the clouds or wherever you are, and you can see what kind of mom I will be. I want to make you proud. So you can tell all the other babies "hey that's my momma!" Grandma Cain will be holding you in her arms while you stare down and wish it was me holding you. 
I'm sorry for rambling carter, I just wish I had you. Every sign which seems meaningless to everyone is special to me. Because maybe it means you are thinking of me too. 

Love momma ambie 

Your name

I am at Starbucks, Carter and I am waiting for your dad to be done with an interview. The barista asks the guy in front of me what his name is. She stumbles so I notice the cup as she writes your name. Time feels slow as every letter written feels like a lifetime. It hits me then he has your name. Out of every name yours comes up. Earlier when we were driving I saw a car that said miracle in very bold font. Impossible for me to ignore. You are my sweet miracle baby boy. Some day I will get to hold you and see you smiling back at me. But for now I can just remember and hold onto each reminder, as if I needed it. 

Added after initial post: after I posted this the song "baby... Oh baby baby" oldies song came on the radio the second after I submitted this. 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

It hurts

Hi carter, I know it's been awhile. I didn't know what to say to you. I thought about writing that I finally got not 1 but 2 jobs in my field but that seemed trivial. I thought about writing that I was able to be okay in Detroit alone, but again that seemed trivial. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. More days than not you are in my thoughts all day. More often I think about what you would have looked like at this point. What sort of personality traits would be showing. 
I just miss you so so very much. My heart aches for you carter. I fall asleep and your name is on my last conscious breath. I thought of a children's story with a little hawk losing his family and one day being reunited with them. This idea that one day we will see each other is what gets me through the hard days. 
Today is one of those days. 
Your dads best friend just casually posted a picture of a positive pregnancy test. I knew it was coming I just hoped that we would be first. Today I feel like someone has kicked me in the chest repeatedly and I can't catch my breath. Before writing you I went to my favorite blog that I read when I am feeling sad and she just posted that she is pregnant too. This sucks carter, and I so very much wish that you were in the other room being fussy, and waking me up all throughout the night. I want you, I need you but I don't get to have you..... 
You are just a memory, your picture on my cell phone, an empty nursery full of broken dreams. I love you carter, and of we are lucky enough to conceive and give birth to a healthy child I hope that you visit them and keep them safe. 

Love momma,