Friday, September 13, 2013

A lovely dream

Carter, last night while i slept i dreamt of you. In my dream you were about 3 years old. You had a head full of brown hair that hung down to your ears like your dad. You were so brilliant in the dream Carter. You were talking full paragraphs, and asking me what words meant. You walked around so well that in the dream i would have thought that you were older. I was holding onto you in the dream and you met my cousins baby. You were lightyears smarter and cuter than she was just as i had imagined you. You were so full of love, and in the dream i could feel the clothing that you were wearing, and i ran your hair through my fingers. Everything felt so very real that when i woke i first felt sad, and then felt happy that i was able to dream of you. This dream i actually saw your face, and got to see you smile, and laugh. It was such a wonderful dream Carter, that i didn't want to wake up.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

My love is a gift

Your dad has been incredibly sad this week and i think now that he is gone it can be my turn. Right before he left i used the restroom and found that my monthly gift had started. I didn't tell him because today he was actually seemingly happy. By the time he gets back it will almost be time to start trying again so he won't have time to be sad. I miss you so very much. My heart hurts for you every day, and I think of you so often its amazing. The love that i have gotten from having you is so huge that nothing compares. I feel okay next to kind of pregnant people.... My friend who had all the miscarriages just reached 26 weeks, 1 week and 5 days before we lost you. :/ A friend from high school just found out that he is having a boy in January. All of these people who were not trying to get pregnant did, and are having healthy babies. I wish i could just turn off my mind and "stop actively trying" but that seems to be the hand that gets dealt when you are trying to have a baby, get pregnant and then lose that baby. The doctors office is jerking me around because i am going somewhere else. Sometimes i close my eyes and hold my arms like i am holding you. I run my finger over where your cheek would have been and imagine my thumb feeling the soft skin below it. Imagine your adorable plump lips pouting as tears roll down your face. I miss you everyday and I can't believe that i am never going to have you again. Life is a heaping pile of dung Carter. I hope that wherever you are that you feel loved and appreciated. We are sending love and appreciation out, and i hope you can tell. I miss you baby boy and that will never change.

<3 mom