Monday, July 22, 2013


Hi Carter, yesterday was hard. Your dad and I were at staples and saw a couple come into the store with a newborn. The baby looked like you and I had trouble not looking. It made me sad because you should have been arriving any time now. I always knew you would be early, I just wished that you were still here with us. We went to our friends house Y&M for dinner last night. They are fostering 2 kids, and have one of their own. One foster child is a baby less than a year, and the other is 2 years old but looks about 1. I gave a bottle to the baby who was crying and it felt so natural. Having the 2 year old on my lap also felt so very natural. I miss you so very much my sweet baby.

Last night I had a dream that a pregnancy test came positive and I was so excited in the dream. I am hoping that comes true this month.....

Loving and missing you every day....

Your grandma L, bought a gorgeous bench to put out by your tree. I will post a photo here.

<3 Mom

Monday, July 8, 2013


This past Saturday your dad and i went to the goo goo dolls/matchbox 20 concert. It was nice to get out and we met up with friends there. Unfortunately there was a pregnant woman sitting/standing next to me. It made it really hard to enjoy the concert and i cried all through my favorite song Iris. The song starts "and i'd give up forever to touch you." That just did me in. The lady who was pregnant looked like she was younger than 18. I see so many pregnant people and i think why can't i still be pregnant with you? I went into my old Ob's office and there were so many women who were about to pop, and i just kept thinking that should have been me waddling. I feel so down these days Carter. I just don't want to do anything but sleep. It takes everything i have to get out of bed and take a shower. I bribe myself out of the house with starbucks but i think i have stopped enjoying them. :/ I would give up starbucks forever to hold you again for just a minute with you alive and staring at me. I want to see your eyes and know that you see mine. I can only imagine your dads eyes on your face, and his chubby cheeks as yours. Your perfect little chubby cheeks.
My doctor asked today if we were pregnant yet and i said no. I know he means well and he is a good guy but it feels like my body has failed me every single day. Every day that i gain a pound makes me hate myself a little more. As if losing you wasn't punishment enough now i have to gain back weight really quickly. He is having my thyroid tested but i very much doubt that is my problem. It feels silly to even care about my weight... It feels silly to feel anything that isn't you.
My grandma gave me one of her porcelain dolls that is of a sleeping baby. I dressed it in one of your outfits and put one of your hats on it. I held the doll in my arms like i did with you. I closed my eyes and tried to take myself back to when i held you for those 6 short hours. It felt nice until i had to accept that it was not you and just a doll. 

My cousin isn't having her baby shower until the 20th of this month which i think is insane because she is due August 3rd (a few days before i was due with you.)

I love you baby hawk.
See you some day....