1 year.... reminders...

Hello my sweet Carter,
I awoke today to no less than 8 emails wishing you a happy 1st birthday. Obviously the day that you came into the world was not today, but 1 year and 3 months ago. These emails were a shock to my heart. I found myself today at work getting choked up when I looked in the mirror and behind me was the very pregnant co-worker watching me work.
I met up with your grandma L, she misses you very very much. We are both having a hard time because a second baby was born a few days ago to the family. It is hard Carter. It is hard enough to not see you and have you, it is even harder to see other people get to have their happy babies. Your grandma L, and great grandma A are having trouble being happy for my cousins who will definitely be great parents. I guess great grandma A didn't sound happy. She said that she was waiting for a call to come with the bad news like you.. When you died, great grandma A said she prayed to the heavens for a miracle, and to please take her instead. I wouldn't have wanted that at all. As much as I wish you were here I wouldn't trade you, or anyone.
The odd thing is that both babies in the family were born 1 year apart on the same date. Speaking of babies, the 1 year old baby's mom is pregnant AGAIN. The statistics on that fact are astonishing, and yet I was not surprised but it still made me feel like crap.... How can she get knocked up so easy and I keep trying and trying......
I am a pro at changing diapers now shouldn't that give me some kind of leway and allow for me to "graduate" into second child status....

I hung out with your grandma L today, and grandpa R. Grandma L and I cried and cried today over you, and the new babies. Grandpa R and I talked about babies and my inability to get pregnant. He thinks it will happen soon, and by the time we go to Italy in the spring.

Anyway, Just wanted to pop in and tell you that I think about you always.... Your Dad's, Dad grandpa R was saying that one of his co-workers first son died, she said she always thinks about him and that it never changes. I don't want to forget you, and you are with me in every step of my life. I <3 you Carter, I always will.

Baby Blues....

Carter,
On your birthday I got a tattoo of a hawk on my ankle. Its nice because whenever I am missing you, a visual reminder of you is always on my body. Your dad is going to get one too, I am trying to get him to wait until after the summer so he won't miss out on any swimming. This have been tough this week Carter for both of us. On saturday was a baby shower for your dads friend's new wife. I thought I could go but every day that it got closer I grew more impatient, and more grumpy and easy to anger. I got really upset because there were the wrong type of nuts on my ice cream (Seriously who puts pecans on a sunday).
Today I feel glum because one of my co-workers who is so very reckless in every aspect of her life, and never says nice things about her husband might be pregnant. She has only been talking about wanting to get pregnant for 1 week. Today she says "Oh, my period is late I might be pregnant". What I wouldn't give you be pregnant, or better yet have you.
I am really attaching to two of the kids I work with. Both are oddly blondes, as you would have been brunette. The one today is about 2 1/2 and so very sweet, and learning how to make words. I pushed him on the swing and I could pretend it was you. My other kiddo is about 4 and he can make words, he just has issues associating them with things. When I push him on the swing I can pretend it is you. When I hug these kids its so easy to pretend for just a minute that you are them. Until I see their faces, and remind myself where I am.
Every pregnant woman I meet or am around I just want to yell "Be careful and don't take your doctors word! Anything that you worry about, take it up with your doctor better safe than sorry!" But I don't and I utter small words of congratulation to those I see while trying to hold onto what it felt like when you were inside of me.

I miss you my baby, so very very much.
Love Mom

Exactly 365 days ago I handed over my baby Carter to the nurse. It was around 9 am that my 6 hours of holding him before the autopsy were over. At that moment of devastation I honestly did not think that I would be alive 1 year later. Yet somehow I am here. Thank you to the few friends that stuck around and supported us in every way that they could. Thank you to the family that never stopped checking in and making sure that we were still going.We would not have made it without you. Carter, I would give anything, do anything, be anything to have you here with me for just a minute alive. Instead I try to be the best person I can be so that you can be proud of who your momma has become. I love you carter always and forever.. Happy first birthday. 

A mournful mothers day

Just a year ago..... I was CELEBRATING the life that was inside me wiggling around. I was IMAGINING what life would be like a year from then..... I IMAGINED a 9 month old baby scooting around exploring all the amazing sights, sounds and textures of the world. 

INSTEAD:

I have grief, sadness, longing, and ache for him. 

I have only what I can imagine life would be like. What he could have sounded like when he cried and cooed. So much has happened since we lost our little man, I guess i am thankful for small things. 

I am thankful that i got to celebrate one mothers day with him, Jess never got that opportunity. For him fathers day just brought grief and ache. I am thankful that his apple tree has bloomed and smells so amazing. I am thankful for those who have supported us in this past year through all the heartache and challenges that life has brought.

I am thankful that I have met new people in my life that make me feel like a semblance of what it was like before I lost him. 

I am also very thankful to have found a career that for just a few hours helps me, and distracts me from the loss. I have small victories in each of the children I work with, every single day. Even as simple as a smile after a hard day. 

Carter,

I feel that you have given me these opportunities, and I appreciate every single one of them.

Thank you for making me a mother. I would give everything I have to have you back. Since i can't i will take these small gifts and think of them as gifts from you.

Love you baby boy,

Mom

Hello again grief

Hello again grief, you sick disgusting twisted waste of space.....
I guess that isn't true.....
You have a purpose, it means that i love my son.....
That every day i think of him,
every day i long to hold him,
see him,
touch him,
smell him......
I know i haven't posted since November....
The holiday season took me away.......
I focused on just surviving.....
and something happened.....
I survived...... I cried...... I longed..... but i survived
and some how Carter, you helped us get through it.
After the 1st holiday season without you all that is left to get through is the day that you entered the world..... and mothers day......
I struggle so much with deciding what to call your "birth."

I am doing better, coping better i guess or learning to live with the dull ache that not having you has brought........

Carter, i don't know what to do little hawk. I need a break from trying for a baby...... I can't take the shots anymore...... I can't take more miscarriages...... I can't take more anxiety then i am already living with......

I am spent little man. I find myself coming above the water gasping, when I am out of the house hanging with a new friend, or spontaneously agreeing to a road trip.

I fall back down when I am reminded that you are not physically with me. Every photo on facebook of babies, or when i am twisted enough to look at photos of my cousins baby........

I miss you always, just some days a bandaid is over the wound and other days salt has been poured in.......

Love you, and i didn't forget about you.... I just didn't know what to say......