Sunday, August 4, 2013

Its killing me

Carter, today marks 4 days until your due date on August 8th. My cousin who was due on the 3rd hasn't had her baby yet. I am so insanely jealous of her having a healthy baby, and I know that she won't be grateful that she had a healthy living child.
Today your dad and I went to J & E's house. They are these 2 sweet old ladies who live together. E loves talking to me because I actually talk to her and keep my face staring at her. (She is hard of hearing) She asked about you and said that she was terribly sad for us and wanted to know all the technical details about you passing, and what could have been done. I really like E.

Your dad today said that we should have been up to our necks in baby. Yet here we are up to our necks in grief. I thought things were getting better but I was just tricking myself. Every day that gets closer to when we were supposed to meet you is 1 day that gets harder and harder. I cried myself to sleep last night Carter. Things are so terrible without you with us and my chubby belly is a constant reminder of what should have been you.

 I keep thinking things have to get better eventually we have hit the bottom of grief & bad situations. Yet, we have no baby, no you, no job, and your dad and I keep biting off each others heads. I wish that i could just crawl in a hole and sleep until I am pregnant again, with a job in my field. It seems ridiculous to even complain about a job on here with losing you. It is what is going through my head all the time. Job/You/new baby, around and around and around.

I miss you so much my little Carter, and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to ever forget you.

Love you always,

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