Monday, August 5, 2013

I wish it was just a terrible dream

Carter, I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned all night, as my heart wrenched thinking of you. Every muscle hurt, every vein, every tendon, every cell in my body ached for you. I knew I wouldn't get to hold you in my arms on Thursday when you were supposed to be born. Everyday that gets closer to Thursday hurts so much worse then the previous day. Its as if a wound is getting more infected by the day.
 I drove out to my mom & grandmas house looking for some distraction. I got lost in the country trying a different way to get to their houses. It felt nice to just drive with the wind blowing through my hair. I had the radio off and I was just listening to the sounds of nature, and my car on the the pavement. It took me 40 minutes to realize I had taken the wrong path. I figured out where to go and continued on my trip. When i arrived the first thing i asked my grandma was "did my cousin have her baby." "no, not yet" said my grandma.

Later I had this tugging feeling that it was time to go see my mom. I got in the car and drove over there. The first thing my step dad said was "she had her baby." I felt numb.... no, numb doesn't even cover it. I was in shock, I could barely form a thought, the words "she had her baby" kept circling through my head. My mom arrived, and said that she went to grandmas trying to get to me so she could tell me and be there for me. 2 minutes too late..... but it was okay. As soon as she came into the door and grabbed me into a warm embrace the tears started to pour down my face. I could feel a little sob coming out, and the thought of "why her, why not me, why did i deserve this? Why don't i get my Carter?"

Carter..... My Sweet Baby Boy Carter...... Why do I only get photos and memories of your sweet face, and your smell of french fries. Never getting to hear you cry, or laugh. I never get hear a word from your sweet mouth, never get to hold you as you nuzzle up to me. I never get to read you stories, or paint with you. I never get to build a lego castle, or teach you how to garden. I never get to watch your mouth wide open in awe as we take you to the zoo, or an aquarium. I never get to have you to hold again...... Why Carter..... Why am i left to saying hello to hawks, birds, butterflies, and rainbows. Writing to you online, and in a journal but never getting to say anything to you again.

I miss you every second of every day, and I don't know.... no i hope i never stop missing you.
I know in my heart that you will always be there.....
I desperately hope that someday we will be reunited. I hope that you are a newborn, and that we are able to live out our lives together...... Mommy and Son.....

I love you my sweet Hawk..... My first baby boy Carter.....

-A, Mom

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