Yesterday I was excited to go to my cousin-to-be's bridal shower. This is a union that I was happy to support. I went with my mom and was having a good time when my grandma's sisters arrived. The first thing on of them asked me was "Did you hold H's baby yet?" i replied with no i probably never will, She replied with "Oh you will, you will get over things, this too shall pass" I did not respond I just bailed.
Shortly after my cousin who just had the baby H, showed up with new baby. About 2 feet behind me people were oohing and aahing over the new baby. My mom's eyes welled up and she fled. I sat trying to get my self together, when my grandpa's sister came up. She touched my back and asked how I was doing. I lost it and she dragged me into the back, I busted out of a back door and cried and cried for at least 20 minutes. She asked if she could say a prayer with me and I agreed. My mom came out in a frenzy and said she had looked everywhere for me and was worried I had gone out to the main road to throw myself into traffic. I said no that I was just back behind the building trying to let my cousin-to-be enjoy her day.
Later, my grandma A came to sit across from me. Someone came up and started talking to her and my grandma was talking about how wonderful it was to be a grandma to a new baby. It really hurt. It felt harder then someone repeatedly slapping me in the face. I cried all the way to my moms house, and to the restaurant where we got food after the shower.
This day really sucked. My cousin who just had the baby 3 days before Carter's due date said "I didn't think she would be here" Really? Because if i just had a baby I wouldn't have come. It is too much of a risk to be worth it.