Sunday, August 18, 2013

3 months and 1 day

Hi Carter,
Its been 3 months and 1 day since we said hello and goodbye. I have never had such a difficult 3 months in my life. 2013 has been a terrible year for your daddy and I. Its true that you notice stuff more when you have it or want it. In my case every child in a room I see, every cry I hear my heart aches, and every smile makes me smile and then feel the sadness looming over. Today at Panera Bread a little girl was running at me, as little 1-2 years old do in a hobbling sort of way. She got fairly close to my knees and I just wanted to have a knee hug. That was when it slapped me in the face that i will never get knee hugs from you, or slobbery kisses. I was nice enough and asked the mom behind the counter about her daughter. When your dad and i sat down to eat a baby was crying. It felt like someone was repeatedly ripping the bandaid off. A few minutes ago I got on facebook. My friend from grad school posted a photo of her son who turned 2 months old today, as did a band that had their son 2 months ago. I am usually prepared for baby photos from my friend but today marked an anniversary for them. I couldn't believe how much it hurt to read that. An anniversary that you will never have. Not even 1 second or 1 minute. We never got to experience you being alive outside of me. This realization hurts more than anything I ever had experienced.

As if not having you is bad enough, things are not lining up in my life. I can't get a job in my field. I am trying to be positive and put a spin on it that I am meant for greater things but it still hurts. Your dad and I have started trying again this cycle. We should know in a little under 2 weeks if we were lucky enough to get pregnant again. Honestly, I am just missing you and wanting you. As great as it will be to have a healthy living baby, it won't make me stop missing or loving you. That Carter will never change. I love you sweet baby boy, today and forever.

<3 mom

1 comment:

  1. Carter today I was with your grandfather and was not with your mother for the first time overnight since you left us. I am glad she could talk to you this way. I wish your grand father didn't snore so loud. I'm sure you would have found him funny. I Miss you so much, and I know your mom does too.
    Love, Dad