Saturday, November 2, 2013

It hurts

Hi carter, I know it's been awhile. I didn't know what to say to you. I thought about writing that I finally got not 1 but 2 jobs in my field but that seemed trivial. I thought about writing that I was able to be okay in Detroit alone, but again that seemed trivial. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. More days than not you are in my thoughts all day. More often I think about what you would have looked like at this point. What sort of personality traits would be showing. 
I just miss you so so very much. My heart aches for you carter. I fall asleep and your name is on my last conscious breath. I thought of a children's story with a little hawk losing his family and one day being reunited with them. This idea that one day we will see each other is what gets me through the hard days. 
Today is one of those days. 
Your dads best friend just casually posted a picture of a positive pregnancy test. I knew it was coming I just hoped that we would be first. Today I feel like someone has kicked me in the chest repeatedly and I can't catch my breath. Before writing you I went to my favorite blog that I read when I am feeling sad and she just posted that she is pregnant too. This sucks carter, and I so very much wish that you were in the other room being fussy, and waking me up all throughout the night. I want you, I need you but I don't get to have you..... 
You are just a memory, your picture on my cell phone, an empty nursery full of broken dreams. I love you carter, and of we are lucky enough to conceive and give birth to a healthy child I hope that you visit them and keep them safe. 

Love momma, 

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