Monday, November 4, 2013

Think of me fondly

Do the dead miss us like we miss them? Does Ian think of our times together and miss the space that we occupied in his life? But what about Carter. Does he miss the life he could have lead, or are those who have never experienced life outside of the womb in a kind of stasis until his parents are reunited with him again. These are the types of thoughts I have Carter. Life without you is an empty space. A space that will never be filled and that will always be hollow waiting for you. All the could have beens, and the should have beens. Every twitch in my belly reminds me of when you were inside kicking away. My little Karate kid. I notice everything now and seem to associate meaning with your death. Your name. A song. A crying baby. A religious person giving materials. Is this your way of saying hey you guys I'm here, and I'm missing you just as much? I sure hope so Carter. The idea that someday we will meet face to face keeps me going on the hardest of days. The idea of us recognizing each other in whatever afterlife there is. I get to embrace you, smell you, kiss you and never have to let you go. It will be you, me and your dad for all of eternity. Or as a cartoon character says "to infinity and beyond!" That's buzz light year Carter, I thought you would have looked so cute as baby buzz. 

Tomorrow I start a new job carter and I hope I can make a big difference in these kids lives. I want you to be proud of me when we meet again. Hopefully I get the opportunity to be a mother to a child that lives outside of me, so that one day it can be the four of us. It's funny Carter, before you I only wanted one child. But just being with you for 7 months makes me want at least 1 more. I can have you watching me from the clouds or wherever you are, and you can see what kind of mom I will be. I want to make you proud. So you can tell all the other babies "hey that's my momma!" Grandma Cain will be holding you in her arms while you stare down and wish it was me holding you. 
I'm sorry for rambling carter, I just wish I had you. Every sign which seems meaningless to everyone is special to me. Because maybe it means you are thinking of me too. 

Love momma ambie 

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