A mournful mothers day

Just a year ago..... I was CELEBRATING the life that was inside me wiggling around. I was IMAGINING what life would be like a year from then..... I IMAGINED a 9 month old baby scooting around exploring all the amazing sights, sounds and textures of the world. 

INSTEAD:

I have grief, sadness, longing, and ache for him. 

I have only what I can imagine life would be like. What he could have sounded like when he cried and cooed. So much has happened since we lost our little man, I guess i am thankful for small things. 

I am thankful that i got to celebrate one mothers day with him, Jess never got that opportunity. For him fathers day just brought grief and ache. I am thankful that his apple tree has bloomed and smells so amazing. I am thankful for those who have supported us in this past year through all the heartache and challenges that life has brought.

I am thankful that I have met new people in my life that make me feel like a semblance of what it was like before I lost him. 

I am also very thankful to have found a career that for just a few hours helps me, and distracts me from the loss. I have small victories in each of the children I work with, every single day. Even as simple as a smile after a hard day. 

Carter,

I feel that you have given me these opportunities, and I appreciate every single one of them.

Thank you for making me a mother. I would give everything I have to have you back. Since i can't i will take these small gifts and think of them as gifts from you.

Love you baby boy,

Mom