Where to start...
I have seen the movie The Fault in Our Stars twice, once in theaters and once at home. For christmas I got the book and the movie. Today i finished the book for the first time. I figured because I had seen the movie twice, that the book wouldn't be a surprise to me. Which it wasn't, it was a glorious adaptation but a phrase in the book stuck with me. I am summarizing the sentence but it was "Grief reveals you". When I read over the phrase I stopped being immersed in the book which I was very familiar with and read the phrase again, and again, and again. Now an hour later I am still thinking about Grief reveals you. The question that I have pondered since Amelia was born and subsequently died is how will the grief from her shape me. With Carter, that grief was like a comet that had hit the surface of the earth. The area affected has never fully recovered, and the area around it has been affected. I will never be the person I was before Carter died, yet the person who is developing in spite of the devastation is someone that I think he could have been proud of.
They say that 1 year after a couple loses a child, that there is a 50% divorce rate. I believe the reason for this is it creates a point in time which forces the individual to rapidly change to accommodate that hole that the metaphorical crater has created. The individuals take on their own "growth" through grief exploration. The phrase "The couple who grows together stays together" and because grief tends to create feelings of inadequacy and shame, in addition to a plethora of other feelings this leads to the couple grieving in their own way. Which is perfectly okay, but i believe that the problem exists when the couple makes it out of the grief crater. The problem is that they are on different sides of the grief crater. They are unsure of how to reconnect and how to share the experience that they grieved with in different ways. Throughout this time of grieving for Carter & Amelia counselors kept telling us that men and women grieve in different ways. Again this is fine, but it is imperative to find the way to open the lines of communication again. Don't keep the feelings held inside for fear of upsetting the other person. Why I mention this now less then 3 months until Carter's 2 year Birthday/delivery/death day is because almost 2 months ago we experienced the loss of Amelia. We got what we wanted with Carter, a living breathing child, but i guess we weren't specific enough to the cosmic energy, to include that we also wanted an aging child who outlives us and has children of their own. That aside is we keep telling people that the grief for Amelia is different, familiar, not necessarily easier, but we had closure with her being alive and getting to tell her all the things we wanted to say, and see her moving and know that she was loved and not alone when she died. The analogy of Amelia would be that the grief of Carter was this Crater that came down and changed everything and how we saw/experienced the world. Whereas Amelia was another crater that fell into the same space. It didn't change the way that we saw things too much, because Carter had already changed everything. Amelia just altered how it looked slightly. This is not saying that we miss her any less, or grieve for her any less. Just that we have experienced this before hand, so we know what to expect.
Back to the initial phrase "grief reveals us". I feel that grief has revealed the person I am, the path that I find the most rewarding, and the path which I follow to make me feel like an adequate mother. Grief has lead me to be a more appreciative wife, because even with the difficulties that come with marriage, I have without a doubt chosen the right person for me, and the perfect father of my children. Seeing how he is with children either lifeless, or with fleeting life the warmth of love that comes from him and his gentleness with them and with me, makes him someone that I want to continue to change and grow with.