Monday, January 19, 2015

Gender and the blog name change

Today was supposed to be the day that we learned the gender of Amelia. She would have been 19 weeks along today. I was so excited for this appointment because it would have been a long appointment of looking at you Amelia. We've been calling you Amelia for 12 days... We met you and held you, saw you moving and breathing just 12 short days ago. Yet, it feels like it's been so long since we said goodbye. These 12 days have felt like 80 days, and every day that we have to wait to see the doctor is another day that feels like 20. I can't believe that part of the reason you passed was an infection. A stupid infection that wasn't supposed to show up for several more weeks.

I hate being a Zebra for the medical field babies. I hate it so very much. If i wasn't a zebra and was just a normal fat girl with normal health things then both of you would exist... Maybe..... Your dad and I wanted 1 baby, and now we have 2 and will be trying for another one. Maybe in some sick world we were supposed to have several babies, and because we only wanted one were cursed with having other babies who wouldn't survive. Maybe if there are angels or whatever we didn't have enough people watching over us. Whatever the reason that you both are no longer with us is a sick, and ridiculous world.

Back to you existing. I think we would have had 2 babies. We would have fell so madly in love with Carter & wanted him to have a sister which would be Amelia. We came up with your name Amelia when we were pregnant with Carter. I was so sure that Carter would be a girl, so when we saw that Carter was a boy I was shocked, and then i got over it. We went to Babies R us and when I saw the little boy outfits I melted and got over my fear of a boy. Amelia was a surprise too, I was so sure we were having a boy. I craved almost the same exact things with both babies, except for Amelia I wanted hot chocolate instead of chocolate milk. When they said it was a girl, i cried just like with Carter and imagined a life with a little girl by my side, my little side kick. At least with Carter we had 8 weeks to imagine what life would be like with a little boy. With Amelia we had about 11 hours to imagine what life would be like with a little girl, which was enough time to imagine and be excited. She was such a little precious doll, and even an anime we watched had a character that we thought could be Amelia. She was the right size of Amelia with big brown eyes and long brown hair, just like I Imagined her.

I am definitely rambling my babies..... But i wanted to show you and make a space for the egg that our friend made for you Amelia. She made one for Carter too. 

Anyway babies, I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I was thinking of you both. Amelia you never have to worry about us forgetting about you because we have been without Carter for 1 year and 8 months and I know I still think of him at least several times a day. I feel closer to you babies when I am working with the kids with autism. I am not sure why but helping them makes me feel a bit better. 

Before I say goodbye I wanted to mention an interesting number's thing about both of you. 
Carter was 27 weeks along, and Amelia was 17 (10 weeks apart)
Carter was born on 5-17-13, and Amelia was born on 1-7-15 (10 days apart) 
Also notice all of the 7's. I told your dad we should go play the lottery with these numbers. 

Love you babies,
Momma Ambie

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