Carter, you have been gone now for 2 weeks. This week would have been my 30th week of having you inside me. Instead i am left with an emptiness that feels like a black hole sucking everything into it. People are still supportive, and thanking me for being so open about your existence. I can't imagine how much worse this would feel if i had to pretend that you didn't exist for 1 day shy of 28 weeks. If given the chance to start over i would have pushed for the doctors to have increased my lovenox and maybe just maybe there would not have been clots in the placenta.... Reading your autopsy report and reading that there was lung distress, which ultimately meant that you suffocated inside me makes me nauseous. The idea that my body was working against you makes me hate myself a little more. I want to try again, and i hope that you will watch over the new life that will be growing inside me. It seems to be a glimmer of hope that helps your dad and i pull out of these dark places. The idea that the toys we got for you will be played with, the clothing worn, and the furniture used. I so very much wish that it was you using it, and i hope your sibling one day will feel you there with them.
Tomorrow June 1st we are having a celebration of life party for you. To celebrate the life you unfortunately did not get to live. To show how much you are loved, and always will be loved. Your grandma Lisa definitely loves you. I know that others love you too, but she is the only one who shows it like your dad and i do.
We got you a really special urn Carter. It looks more amazing in person, just like you. Your dad and i wrote you special messages and placed it in your urn. The turtle signifies your journey, one which i hope ends one day with us reuniting with you, my sweet son.
I love you my sweet adorable son, i hope you never doubt that.
-Love Momma Amber
This is a good description of what it feels like to have a stillbirth. http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/04/what-i-mean-when-i-say-my-daughter-was-stillborn/
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