Baby Blues....

Carter,
On your birthday I got a tattoo of a hawk on my ankle. Its nice because whenever I am missing you, a visual reminder of you is always on my body. Your dad is going to get one too, I am trying to get him to wait until after the summer so he won't miss out on any swimming. This have been tough this week Carter for both of us. On saturday was a baby shower for your dads friend's new wife. I thought I could go but every day that it got closer I grew more impatient, and more grumpy and easy to anger. I got really upset because there were the wrong type of nuts on my ice cream (Seriously who puts pecans on a sunday).
Today I feel glum because one of my co-workers who is so very reckless in every aspect of her life, and never says nice things about her husband might be pregnant. She has only been talking about wanting to get pregnant for 1 week. Today she says "Oh, my period is late I might be pregnant". What I wouldn't give you be pregnant, or better yet have you.
I am really attaching to two of the kids I work with. Both are oddly blondes, as you would have been brunette. The one today is about 2 1/2 and so very sweet, and learning how to make words. I pushed him on the swing and I could pretend it was you. My other kiddo is about 4 and he can make words, he just has issues associating them with things. When I push him on the swing I can pretend it is you. When I hug these kids its so easy to pretend for just a minute that you are them. Until I see their faces, and remind myself where I am.
Every pregnant woman I meet or am around I just want to yell "Be careful and don't take your doctors word! Anything that you worry about, take it up with your doctor better safe than sorry!" But I don't and I utter small words of congratulation to those I see while trying to hold onto what it felt like when you were inside of me.

I miss you my baby, so very very much.
Love Mom

Exactly 365 days ago I handed over my baby Carter to the nurse. It was around 9 am that my 6 hours of holding him before the autopsy were over. At that moment of devastation I honestly did not think that I would be alive 1 year later. Yet somehow I am here. Thank you to the few friends that stuck around and supported us in every way that they could. Thank you to the family that never stopped checking in and making sure that we were still going.We would not have made it without you. Carter, I would give anything, do anything, be anything to have you here with me for just a minute alive. Instead I try to be the best person I can be so that you can be proud of who your momma has become. I love you carter always and forever.. Happy first birthday. 

A mournful mothers day

Just a year ago..... I was CELEBRATING the life that was inside me wiggling around. I was IMAGINING what life would be like a year from then..... I IMAGINED a 9 month old baby scooting around exploring all the amazing sights, sounds and textures of the world. 

INSTEAD:

I have grief, sadness, longing, and ache for him. 

I have only what I can imagine life would be like. What he could have sounded like when he cried and cooed. So much has happened since we lost our little man, I guess i am thankful for small things. 

I am thankful that i got to celebrate one mothers day with him, Jess never got that opportunity. For him fathers day just brought grief and ache. I am thankful that his apple tree has bloomed and smells so amazing. I am thankful for those who have supported us in this past year through all the heartache and challenges that life has brought.

I am thankful that I have met new people in my life that make me feel like a semblance of what it was like before I lost him. 

I am also very thankful to have found a career that for just a few hours helps me, and distracts me from the loss. I have small victories in each of the children I work with, every single day. Even as simple as a smile after a hard day. 

Carter,

I feel that you have given me these opportunities, and I appreciate every single one of them.

Thank you for making me a mother. I would give everything I have to have you back. Since i can't i will take these small gifts and think of them as gifts from you.

Love you baby boy,

Mom

Hello again grief

Hello again grief, you sick disgusting twisted waste of space.....
I guess that isn't true.....
You have a purpose, it means that i love my son.....
That every day i think of him,
every day i long to hold him,
see him,
touch him,
smell him......
I know i haven't posted since November....
The holiday season took me away.......
I focused on just surviving.....
and something happened.....
I survived...... I cried...... I longed..... but i survived
and some how Carter, you helped us get through it.
After the 1st holiday season without you all that is left to get through is the day that you entered the world..... and mothers day......
I struggle so much with deciding what to call your "birth."

I am doing better, coping better i guess or learning to live with the dull ache that not having you has brought........

Carter, i don't know what to do little hawk. I need a break from trying for a baby...... I can't take the shots anymore...... I can't take more miscarriages...... I can't take more anxiety then i am already living with......

I am spent little man. I find myself coming above the water gasping, when I am out of the house hanging with a new friend, or spontaneously agreeing to a road trip.

I fall back down when I am reminded that you are not physically with me. Every photo on facebook of babies, or when i am twisted enough to look at photos of my cousins baby........

I miss you always, just some days a bandaid is over the wound and other days salt has been poured in.......

Love you, and i didn't forget about you.... I just didn't know what to say......

The Hawk in the Tree

Tomorrow is November 17th, 2013. It will be 6 months exactly since we met you, held you, and said goodbye to you. The only photos of us together as a family.....

I sit here typing to you Carter, and i wish i knew if you knew what i was writing to you. I see pictures of my cousins baby who was born just a few days before you were supposed to be. I watch her growing into her features and see traits of her mom peeking out. I need you so much Carter, and no matter how many times i say it, it doesn't get any less true. I look at my photo of you next to my computer, i see you as if you were sleeping instead of you, being my lifeless baby boy. A baby who never took a breath. My perfect little man, so red and looking like any second you could take a breath. I hold onto to the few memories of you because they are all i will ever have of you.

Yesterday I ran through the mall chasing my friend's son Mateo. He is almost five and already seems so old. For a fleeting second as i chased him, I could imagine that I was chasing you. You running with your little legs carrying you so fast. The sound of your laughter as it carried down the hallway. The look on your face when I finally caught you and brought your face up to mine. That was when the glimpse was gone, and I saw his face, and not yours. I am glad for these glimpses of how life could be, but they also make life just that much more difficult to face. 

I tried to find a movie to watch today Carter.... Every single one i chose mentioned the loss of a child, or trying to get pregnant. Eventually i turned them off, and turned to a cartoon. Something I would have enjoyed watching with you. 

I can still feel the way your skin felt when I held you. I sometimes wish I could have bathed you, like I read some parents do before they say goodbye to their child. You were so delicate, and your skin was flaking off near the end. It felt as if you were going to turn to ash, and blow away before you ever met the fire. 

More often then not Carter, I find myself in a place where I wish i would have joined you. We could have been two souls carried off together, forging a new path as Mother and Son. But I wouldn't join you now Carter, as much as I would love to, I think i would end up in a place where the deserters go. Whereas you must be in the place where families meet, and dreams continue. 

I feel like I am losing not only me Carter, but your dad too. He goes to a dark place every day, and I worry that one day he won't return. Our relationship is different as i knew it would be. I just don't know if i will be able to reconnect again. I feel like a failure for not getting pregnant. It is as if every ones hope rests on my ability to conceive. 

I wish i could just get on a raft and float away into the sea with all my worries, and sadness floating away with them. 

Your dad saw a giant hawk fly into the tree behind our house. We were in the car cleaning and your dad stopped me talking to point it out. I was discussing increased hours as work when it flew into the tree. Your dad said it was some kind of sign..... 

I want to hold you, touch you, smell you, hear you, and know that you are just a room away waiting to be held, fed, or cuddled..... 

I have to believe that you are with us Carter......... 

Somewhere.... out there....... 

Think of me fondly

Do the dead miss us like we miss them? Does Ian think of our times together and miss the space that we occupied in his life? But what about Carter. Does he miss the life he could have lead, or are those who have never experienced life outside of the womb in a kind of stasis until his parents are reunited with him again. These are the types of thoughts I have Carter. Life without you is an empty space. A space that will never be filled and that will always be hollow waiting for you. All the could have beens, and the should have beens. Every twitch in my belly reminds me of when you were inside kicking away. My little Karate kid. I notice everything now and seem to associate meaning with your death. Your name. A song. A crying baby. A religious person giving materials. Is this your way of saying hey you guys I'm here, and I'm missing you just as much? I sure hope so Carter. The idea that someday we will meet face to face keeps me going on the hardest of days. The idea of us recognizing each other in whatever afterlife there is. I get to embrace you, smell you, kiss you and never have to let you go. It will be you, me and your dad for all of eternity. Or as a cartoon character says "to infinity and beyond!" That's buzz light year Carter, I thought you would have looked so cute as baby buzz. 

Tomorrow I start a new job carter and I hope I can make a big difference in these kids lives. I want you to be proud of me when we meet again. Hopefully I get the opportunity to be a mother to a child that lives outside of me, so that one day it can be the four of us. It's funny Carter, before you I only wanted one child. But just being with you for 7 months makes me want at least 1 more. I can have you watching me from the clouds or wherever you are, and you can see what kind of mom I will be. I want to make you proud. So you can tell all the other babies "hey that's my momma!" Grandma Cain will be holding you in her arms while you stare down and wish it was me holding you. 

I'm sorry for rambling carter, I just wish I had you. Every sign which seems meaningless to everyone is special to me. Because maybe it means you are thinking of me too. 

Love momma ambie 

Your name

I am at Starbucks, Carter and I am waiting for your dad to be done with an interview. The barista asks the guy in front of me what his name is. She stumbles so I notice the cup as she writes your name. Time feels slow as every letter written feels like a lifetime. It hits me then he has your name. Out of every name yours comes up. Earlier when we were driving I saw a car that said miracle in very bold font. Impossible for me to ignore. You are my sweet miracle baby boy. Some day I will get to hold you and see you smiling back at me. But for now I can just remember and hold onto each reminder, as if I needed it. 

Added after initial post: after I posted this the song "baby... Oh baby baby" oldies song came on the radio the second after I submitted this.