The Hawk in the Tree

Tomorrow is November 17th, 2013. It will be 6 months exactly since we met you, held you, and said goodbye to you. The only photos of us together as a family.....

I sit here typing to you Carter, and i wish i knew if you knew what i was writing to you. I see pictures of my cousins baby who was born just a few days before you were supposed to be. I watch her growing into her features and see traits of her mom peeking out. I need you so much Carter, and no matter how many times i say it, it doesn't get any less true. I look at my photo of you next to my computer, i see you as if you were sleeping instead of you, being my lifeless baby boy. A baby who never took a breath. My perfect little man, so red and looking like any second you could take a breath. I hold onto to the few memories of you because they are all i will ever have of you.

Yesterday I ran through the mall chasing my friend's son Mateo. He is almost five and already seems so old. For a fleeting second as i chased him, I could imagine that I was chasing you. You running with your little legs carrying you so fast. The sound of your laughter as it carried down the hallway. The look on your face when I finally caught you and brought your face up to mine. That was when the glimpse was gone, and I saw his face, and not yours. I am glad for these glimpses of how life could be, but they also make life just that much more difficult to face. 

I tried to find a movie to watch today Carter.... Every single one i chose mentioned the loss of a child, or trying to get pregnant. Eventually i turned them off, and turned to a cartoon. Something I would have enjoyed watching with you. 

I can still feel the way your skin felt when I held you. I sometimes wish I could have bathed you, like I read some parents do before they say goodbye to their child. You were so delicate, and your skin was flaking off near the end. It felt as if you were going to turn to ash, and blow away before you ever met the fire. 

More often then not Carter, I find myself in a place where I wish i would have joined you. We could have been two souls carried off together, forging a new path as Mother and Son. But I wouldn't join you now Carter, as much as I would love to, I think i would end up in a place where the deserters go. Whereas you must be in the place where families meet, and dreams continue. 

I feel like I am losing not only me Carter, but your dad too. He goes to a dark place every day, and I worry that one day he won't return. Our relationship is different as i knew it would be. I just don't know if i will be able to reconnect again. I feel like a failure for not getting pregnant. It is as if every ones hope rests on my ability to conceive. 

I wish i could just get on a raft and float away into the sea with all my worries, and sadness floating away with them. 

Your dad saw a giant hawk fly into the tree behind our house. We were in the car cleaning and your dad stopped me talking to point it out. I was discussing increased hours as work when it flew into the tree. Your dad said it was some kind of sign..... 

I want to hold you, touch you, smell you, hear you, and know that you are just a room away waiting to be held, fed, or cuddled..... 

I have to believe that you are with us Carter......... 

Somewhere.... out there....... 

Think of me fondly

Do the dead miss us like we miss them? Does Ian think of our times together and miss the space that we occupied in his life? But what about Carter. Does he miss the life he could have lead, or are those who have never experienced life outside of the womb in a kind of stasis until his parents are reunited with him again. These are the types of thoughts I have Carter. Life without you is an empty space. A space that will never be filled and that will always be hollow waiting for you. All the could have beens, and the should have beens. Every twitch in my belly reminds me of when you were inside kicking away. My little Karate kid. I notice everything now and seem to associate meaning with your death. Your name. A song. A crying baby. A religious person giving materials. Is this your way of saying hey you guys I'm here, and I'm missing you just as much? I sure hope so Carter. The idea that someday we will meet face to face keeps me going on the hardest of days. The idea of us recognizing each other in whatever afterlife there is. I get to embrace you, smell you, kiss you and never have to let you go. It will be you, me and your dad for all of eternity. Or as a cartoon character says "to infinity and beyond!" That's buzz light year Carter, I thought you would have looked so cute as baby buzz. 

Tomorrow I start a new job carter and I hope I can make a big difference in these kids lives. I want you to be proud of me when we meet again. Hopefully I get the opportunity to be a mother to a child that lives outside of me, so that one day it can be the four of us. It's funny Carter, before you I only wanted one child. But just being with you for 7 months makes me want at least 1 more. I can have you watching me from the clouds or wherever you are, and you can see what kind of mom I will be. I want to make you proud. So you can tell all the other babies "hey that's my momma!" Grandma Cain will be holding you in her arms while you stare down and wish it was me holding you. 

I'm sorry for rambling carter, I just wish I had you. Every sign which seems meaningless to everyone is special to me. Because maybe it means you are thinking of me too. 

Love momma ambie 

Your name

I am at Starbucks, Carter and I am waiting for your dad to be done with an interview. The barista asks the guy in front of me what his name is. She stumbles so I notice the cup as she writes your name. Time feels slow as every letter written feels like a lifetime. It hits me then he has your name. Out of every name yours comes up. Earlier when we were driving I saw a car that said miracle in very bold font. Impossible for me to ignore. You are my sweet miracle baby boy. Some day I will get to hold you and see you smiling back at me. But for now I can just remember and hold onto each reminder, as if I needed it. 

Added after initial post: after I posted this the song "baby... Oh baby baby" oldies song came on the radio the second after I submitted this. 

It hurts

Hi carter, I know it's been awhile. I didn't know what to say to you. I thought about writing that I finally got not 1 but 2 jobs in my field but that seemed trivial. I thought about writing that I was able to be okay in Detroit alone, but again that seemed trivial. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. More days than not you are in my thoughts all day. More often I think about what you would have looked like at this point. What sort of personality traits would be showing. 

I just miss you so so very much. My heart aches for you carter. I fall asleep and your name is on my last conscious breath. I thought of a children's story with a little hawk losing his family and one day being reunited with them. This idea that one day we will see each other is what gets me through the hard days. 

Today is one of those days. 

Your dads best friend just casually posted a picture of a positive pregnancy test. I knew it was coming I just hoped that we would be first. Today I feel like someone has kicked me in the chest repeatedly and I can't catch my breath. Before writing you I went to my favorite blog that I read when I am feeling sad and she just posted that she is pregnant too. This sucks carter, and I so very much wish that you were in the other room being fussy, and waking me up all throughout the night. I want you, I need you but I don't get to have you..... 

You are just a memory, your picture on my cell phone, an empty nursery full of broken dreams. I love you carter, and of we are lucky enough to conceive and give birth to a healthy child I hope that you visit them and keep them safe. 

Love momma, 

Amber 

A lovely dream

Carter, last night while i slept i dreamt of you. In my dream you were about 3 years old. You had a head full of brown hair that hung down to your ears like your dad. You were so brilliant in the dream Carter. You were talking full paragraphs, and asking me what words meant. You walked around so well that in the dream i would have thought that you were older. I was holding onto you in the dream and you met my cousins baby. You were lightyears smarter and cuter than she was just as i had imagined you. You were so full of love, and in the dream i could feel the clothing that you were wearing, and i ran your hair through my fingers. Everything felt so very real that when i woke i first felt sad, and then felt happy that i was able to dream of you. This dream i actually saw your face, and got to see you smile, and laugh. It was such a wonderful dream Carter, that i didn't want to wake up.

My love is a gift

Carter,
Your dad has been incredibly sad this week and i think now that he is gone it can be my turn. Right before he left i used the restroom and found that my monthly gift had started. I didn't tell him because today he was actually seemingly happy. By the time he gets back it will almost be time to start trying again so he won't have time to be sad. I miss you so very much. My heart hurts for you every day, and I think of you so often its amazing. The love that i have gotten from having you is so huge that nothing compares. I feel okay next to kind of pregnant people.... My friend who had all the miscarriages just reached 26 weeks, 1 week and 5 days before we lost you. :/ A friend from high school just found out that he is having a boy in January. All of these people who were not trying to get pregnant did, and are having healthy babies. I wish i could just turn off my mind and "stop actively trying" but that seems to be the hand that gets dealt when you are trying to have a baby, get pregnant and then lose that baby. The doctors office is jerking me around because i am going somewhere else. Sometimes i close my eyes and hold my arms like i am holding you. I run my finger over where your cheek would have been and imagine my thumb feeling the soft skin below it. Imagine your adorable plump lips pouting as tears roll down your face. I miss you everyday and I can't believe that i am never going to have you again. Life is a heaping pile of dung Carter. I hope that wherever you are that you feel loved and appreciated. We are sending love and appreciation out, and i hope you can tell. I miss you baby boy and that will never change.

<3 mom

Another Baby

Carter,
Our friends Y & M foster 2 little girls ages 2 & 1. They got the brother of these 2 girls, who is just a few days old. I asked Y if i could come and meet him. I was not sure if i wanted to hold him but the second i saw him i knew. I just needed that little bundle of baby, even if he wasn't mine. I held onto him for 2 hours. Never once did i forget about you, I wished that you were him, but it was nice to hold a baby even if it wasn't you. Now that i am home and thinking of you i smell my hands which smell like baby, a reminder that you are not in the room over. You are no longer here and for that I am terribly sad.

I just wanted to let you know that I never stop thinking of you Carter, even when It seems like i have.

3 months and 1 day

Hi Carter,
Its been 3 months and 1 day since we said hello and goodbye. I have never had such a difficult 3 months in my life. 2013 has been a terrible year for your daddy and I. Its true that you notice stuff more when you have it or want it. In my case every child in a room I see, every cry I hear my heart aches, and every smile makes me smile and then feel the sadness looming over. Today at Panera Bread a little girl was running at me, as little 1-2 years old do in a hobbling sort of way. She got fairly close to my knees and I just wanted to have a knee hug. That was when it slapped me in the face that i will never get knee hugs from you, or slobbery kisses. I was nice enough and asked the mom behind the counter about her daughter. When your dad and i sat down to eat a baby was crying. It felt like someone was repeatedly ripping the bandaid off. A few minutes ago I got on facebook. My friend from grad school posted a photo of her son who turned 2 months old today, as did a band that had their son 2 months ago. I am usually prepared for baby photos from my friend but today marked an anniversary for them. I couldn't believe how much it hurt to read that. An anniversary that you will never have. Not even 1 second or 1 minute. We never got to experience you being alive outside of me. This realization hurts more than anything I ever had experienced.

As if not having you is bad enough, things are not lining up in my life. I can't get a job in my field. I am trying to be positive and put a spin on it that I am meant for greater things but it still hurts. Your dad and I have started trying again this cycle. We should know in a little under 2 weeks if we were lucky enough to get pregnant again. Honestly, I am just missing you and wanting you. As great as it will be to have a healthy living baby, it won't make me stop missing or loving you. That Carter will never change. I love you sweet baby boy, today and forever.

<3 mom

Emotional Bridal Shower

Yesterday I was excited to go to my cousin-to-be's bridal shower. This is a union that I was happy to support. I went with my mom and was having a good time when my grandma's sisters arrived. The first thing on of them asked me was "Did you hold H's baby yet?" i replied with no i probably never will, She replied with "Oh you will, you will get over things, this too shall pass" I did not respond I just bailed.

Shortly after my cousin who just had the baby H, showed up with new baby. About 2 feet behind me people were oohing and aahing over the new baby. My mom's eyes welled up and she fled. I sat trying to get my self together, when my grandpa's sister came up. She touched my back and asked how I was doing. I lost it and she dragged me into the back, I busted out of a back door and cried and cried for at least 20 minutes. She asked if she could say a prayer with me and I agreed. My mom came out in a frenzy and said she had looked everywhere for me and was worried I had gone out to the main road to throw myself into traffic. I said no that I was just back behind the building trying to let my cousin-to-be enjoy her day.

Later, my grandma A came to sit across from me. Someone came up and started talking to her and my grandma was talking about how wonderful it was to be a grandma to a new baby. It really hurt. It felt harder then someone repeatedly slapping me in the face. I cried all the way to my moms house, and to the restaurant where we got food after the shower.

This day really sucked. My cousin who just had the baby 3 days before Carter's due date said "I didn't think she would be here" Really? Because if i just had a baby I wouldn't have come. It is too much of a risk to be worth it.

I heard your name and for just a second.....

As i walked through the doors of Target, the voice of a mother yelled out "Carter!!" and for just a second I forgot that you were gone. I turned to look and felt my stomach drop as the realization hit me. I was a mother with no living child. I will probably spend my life looking when i hear the name Carter, while my stomach drops to the floor. My heart feeling like a stake has gone through it, with no relief that comes from being undead.

Yesterday was your due date. I cried off and on through out the day. Your grandma L came over with balloons. We set up your bench from her and your step grandpa J. It looks beautiful with your tree. Your grandpa C called to let us know that he was thinking of you. We released balloons again, and ate the lone apple on your tree. It was sour, but i couldn't let any of it go to waste. Later friends K & S came over and we talked about you, and ate a marble cheesecake and drank coffee. 

Everyday i miss you. Everyday i want you. 

Your memorial 

Your dad, Kaeci and me.

Your grandma L watching her balloon float away.

Your dad and I holding your apple.

I think that this looks like you would have. 

Your dad and I releasing the balloons to you.

Me watching the balloons float away.

I love you my little hawk.

-A

Wild and crazy day

Today started out happy. I went to my primary doctor's office and suspected pregnancy ( i have all the symptoms) and they gave me a urine test. That came back positive! I was so happy it was really hard to keep it from my husband. I luckily was with my mom so i told her first. We were so happy and elated and buzzing around target like happy little bees. Then i called my grandma because i was bursting to tell someone else. She was so happy and exclaimed "Oh...Amber...." (a happy oh amber!) Then we went to lunch with some family friends that i had not seen in 10+ years. 

After lunch i went to the restroom and noticed spotting and a clot. All the blood drained out of my face. I went to mom and she said are you ready to go and i said yes. I called the high risk ob and they told me to go to the er. I went and after 6 hours we had our results. 

I was not pregnant, and they believe that i never was. They think it was a false positive from the doctors office. 

So far i feel content, and feel hope for the future. I have not smiled or felt happy since Carter's passing. 

I feel that my baby boy gave me a gift. He knew i was struggling, and knew that i so desperately wanted to be pregnant. He gave me hope, and showed me that i can be happy again. I wish i had the ability to give my clients this gift. 

I love you Carter, and I thank you for this gift. You know that i would happily take you instead of another baby, but i appreciate you watching out for us. 

Ps. We have noticed you in hawk, bird, praying mantis, and butterfly form. 

PPS. Grandma knows that you are watching over her in dove form.

Love you,

Mom

I wish it was just a terrible dream

Carter, I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned all night, as my heart wrenched thinking of you. Every muscle hurt, every vein, every tendon, every cell in my body ached for you. I knew I wouldn't get to hold you in my arms on Thursday when you were supposed to be born. Everyday that gets closer to Thursday hurts so much worse then the previous day. Its as if a wound is getting more infected by the day.
 I drove out to my mom & grandmas house looking for some distraction. I got lost in the country trying a different way to get to their houses. It felt nice to just drive with the wind blowing through my hair. I had the radio off and I was just listening to the sounds of nature, and my car on the the pavement. It took me 40 minutes to realize I had taken the wrong path. I figured out where to go and continued on my trip. When i arrived the first thing i asked my grandma was "did my cousin have her baby." "no, not yet" said my grandma.

Later I had this tugging feeling that it was time to go see my mom. I got in the car and drove over there. The first thing my step dad said was "she had her baby." I felt numb.... no, numb doesn't even cover it. I was in shock, I could barely form a thought, the words "she had her baby" kept circling through my head. My mom arrived, and said that she went to grandmas trying to get to me so she could tell me and be there for me. 2 minutes too late..... but it was okay. As soon as she came into the door and grabbed me into a warm embrace the tears started to pour down my face. I could feel a little sob coming out, and the thought of "why her, why not me, why did i deserve this? Why don't i get my Carter?"

Carter..... My Sweet Baby Boy Carter...... Why do I only get photos and memories of your sweet face, and your smell of french fries. Never getting to hear you cry, or laugh. I never get hear a word from your sweet mouth, never get to hold you as you nuzzle up to me. I never get to read you stories, or paint with you. I never get to build a lego castle, or teach you how to garden. I never get to watch your mouth wide open in awe as we take you to the zoo, or an aquarium. I never get to have you to hold again...... Why Carter..... Why am i left to saying hello to hawks, birds, butterflies, and rainbows. Writing to you online, and in a journal but never getting to say anything to you again.

I miss you every second of every day, and I don't know.... no i hope i never stop missing you.
I know in my heart that you will always be there.....
I desperately hope that someday we will be reunited. I hope that you are a newborn, and that we are able to live out our lives together...... Mommy and Son.....

I love you my sweet Hawk..... My first baby boy Carter.....

Love,
-A, Mom

Its killing me

Carter, today marks 4 days until your due date on August 8th. My cousin who was due on the 3rd hasn't had her baby yet. I am so insanely jealous of her having a healthy baby, and I know that she won't be grateful that she had a healthy living child.
Today your dad and I went to J & E's house. They are these 2 sweet old ladies who live together. E loves talking to me because I actually talk to her and keep my face staring at her. (She is hard of hearing) She asked about you and said that she was terribly sad for us and wanted to know all the technical details about you passing, and what could have been done. I really like E.

Your dad today said that we should have been up to our necks in baby. Yet here we are up to our necks in grief. I thought things were getting better but I was just tricking myself. Every day that gets closer to when we were supposed to meet you is 1 day that gets harder and harder. I cried myself to sleep last night Carter. Things are so terrible without you with us and my chubby belly is a constant reminder of what should have been you.

 I keep thinking things have to get better eventually we have hit the bottom of grief & bad situations. Yet, we have no baby, no you, no job, and your dad and I keep biting off each others heads. I wish that i could just crawl in a hole and sleep until I am pregnant again, with a job in my field. It seems ridiculous to even complain about a job on here with losing you. It is what is going through my head all the time. Job/You/new baby, around and around and around.

I miss you so much my little Carter, and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to ever forget you.

Love you always,
-A

Hopeful

Hi Carter, yesterday was hard. Your dad and I were at staples and saw a couple come into the store with a newborn. The baby looked like you and I had trouble not looking. It made me sad because you should have been arriving any time now. I always knew you would be early, I just wished that you were still here with us. We went to our friends house Y&M for dinner last night. They are fostering 2 kids, and have one of their own. One foster child is a baby less than a year, and the other is 2 years old but looks about 1. I gave a bottle to the baby who was crying and it felt so natural. Having the 2 year old on my lap also felt so very natural. I miss you so very much my sweet baby.

Last night I had a dream that a pregnancy test came positive and I was so excited in the dream. I am hoping that comes true this month.....

Loving and missing you every day....

Your grandma L, bought a gorgeous bench to put out by your tree. I will post a photo here.

<3 Mom

Iris

Carter,
This past Saturday your dad and i went to the goo goo dolls/matchbox 20 concert. It was nice to get out and we met up with friends there. Unfortunately there was a pregnant woman sitting/standing next to me. It made it really hard to enjoy the concert and i cried all through my favorite song Iris. The song starts "and i'd give up forever to touch you." That just did me in. The lady who was pregnant looked like she was younger than 18. I see so many pregnant people and i think why can't i still be pregnant with you? I went into my old Ob's office and there were so many women who were about to pop, and i just kept thinking that should have been me waddling. I feel so down these days Carter. I just don't want to do anything but sleep. It takes everything i have to get out of bed and take a shower. I bribe myself out of the house with starbucks but i think i have stopped enjoying them. :/ I would give up starbucks forever to hold you again for just a minute with you alive and staring at me. I want to see your eyes and know that you see mine. I can only imagine your dads eyes on your face, and his chubby cheeks as yours. Your perfect little chubby cheeks.
My doctor asked today if we were pregnant yet and i said no. I know he means well and he is a good guy but it feels like my body has failed me every single day. Every day that i gain a pound makes me hate myself a little more. As if losing you wasn't punishment enough now i have to gain back weight really quickly. He is having my thyroid tested but i very much doubt that is my problem. It feels silly to even care about my weight... It feels silly to feel anything that isn't you.
My grandma gave me one of her porcelain dolls that is of a sleeping baby. I dressed it in one of your outfits and put one of your hats on it. I held the doll in my arms like i did with you. I closed my eyes and tried to take myself back to when i held you for those 6 short hours. It felt nice until i had to accept that it was not you and just a doll. 

My cousin isn't having her baby shower until the 20th of this month which i think is insane because she is due August 3rd (a few days before i was due with you.)

Anyways,
I love you baby hawk.
See you some day....
-Momma

Funny

It's kind of funny Carter. When you are younger and your period comes you thank whatever deity you believe in that you are not pregnant. The waiting for the monthly "gift" causes excess worry. Your mind is filled with what ifs, and what would happen if you were accidentally pregnant.
Then jump ahead to when you are trying to get pregnant. You are again hoping, except now its for a positive on that little stick. Every negative test feels like a slap in the face. It feels like whatever deity you believe in is secretly laughing at you, and mocking you for even trying.
You get pregnant, and you are happy and celebrating with your husband, boyfriend, or whomever. You don't cherish every movement, every hiccup or jab to the ribs because you figure there will always be more. You complain about the back pain, and the morning sickness. Unaware that there are people who would give anything to be in your shoes. You are blissfully unaware in your first pregnancy. You know that things could go wrong, but you trust the doctors enough to believe that they will get your baby to you safely.
Then things go horribly wrong. You are blind sided by an empty doppler on your belly. You stare in shock at a screen with a still child. Your child. You scream in your head "move little one, just move!" The doctors start telling you a lot of information, most of it goes in one ear and out the other. The next hours both crawl and fly by. Everything is a blur, and you are just going through the motions. You go through labor and you are finally, and yet much too soon given your baby.
The baby is still, with eyes closed, little hands, little feet, and little chubby cheeks. Again you think please baby wake up, maybe just maybe if i hold him close enough he will wake up.
Again you are disappointed. Saddened that your mini version of you will never wake up. Will always have eyes closed, and never take a breath. You will be allowed a certain number of hours to hold him, kiss him, and be with him, it will never be enough. Nothing will ever be enough. There will always be a part of you that is missing without him.

Jump forward to when you are trying to get pregnant again. Trying so desperately to fill a tiny bit of that void left by him. Getting your monthly "gift" which feels like a slap in the face. Showing a brave smile with excuses such as "now i know where to start for ovulation." Buying tests whenever you go to the store because you know that you won't be lucky enough to only need one.

Today at Walmart i bought three of the 88 cent tests, along with a package of pads. I knew how weird it looked to the cashier, but i didn't know what to say. I'm sure there will be many more days where i don't know what to say...
I look forward to complaining about being pregnant, but secretly i will be cherishing every minute of it. I would give anything to be pregnant again with you Carter. I hope you know that me trying to get pregnant is not me replacing you, but me trying to fill a little bit of the void you have left in my heart.

5 Signs of Healing from Grief

5 Signs of Healing from Grief

From http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com
I find i really relate to her, even though her baby was farther along than my baby.

Anniversary of love

Today marks your father and I's anniversary Carter. Below is the post i made on Facebook about him and me and our anniversary.
Today marks 4 years married to (J.R) and 8 years total together. We have had wonderful times together, and horrific times together. If i had to do it all over again i definitely would. My only change is i would have said yes, the first time you asked me out on a date, instead of like the 8th time. If i could chose who to go through those horrific times with again i would choose you. You are my life partner, my best friend, and a father to Carter. I wouldn't change that for anything. I love you J.R with all of my heart, and some how that love continues to grow. Thank you for standing by my side through this terrible time, and for being here when things are not so terrible. You are perfect just the way you are, in every aspect imaginable. I am one very lucky lady to call you mine. Love you slater ;)

We both are pretty glum lately but i have an idea of what to do for our anniversary. I love you little guy.

is it possible

Hi Carter,
yesterday was exhausting as i helped your grandpa C & step grandma J & 5 aunts and uncles (ages 4-15) move. I was glad that i helped but i feel even more tired today then i did yesterday. There was a pregnant woman at his house. She is due 2 weeks before i was supposed to be with you. It was hard to see how big her belly was when mine is flatter and just flab, not a baby. Step-grandma J's mom L was there. She said "now you can just move on." I have never been a fan of her as her personality is very abrasive and not warm at all. She did take me aside and ask a few questions about you, which was uncharacteristic of her. I get that she was trying, but really she couldn't think of anything better except for move on?

Oh Carter what i would give to have you alive and healthy. Either in my belly, or cooing and giggling in your pack and play. Everyday i look out at your garden, and watch the apple grow where you will not. Oh how i so very much wish i could see you.
I find that since i lost you i go out of my way to attach meaning to things. Yesterday i saw a cluster of white butterflies while i was driving to my dad. There had to of been at least 30-50 of them all in a circular formation. I thought to myself that it was you. A few minutes later i saw two hawks flying overhead, again i thought it must have been you. I need to believe that you are with us in someway/shape/form.

Yesterday when i got home from moving i saw a bit of pink when i used the bathroom. I thought is it possible that i could be pregnant and having implantation bleeding? Is my period coming? or was it just a fluke. Today i woke up and there isn't anymore pink. So in a few days i will test and see if it comes up positive or negative. Oh carter how i hope it is positive, not to replace you but to replace a bit of this emptiness with some hope.

Birthday

My sweet Carter,
Yesterday was my 27th birthday. I knew it would be hard but it was much harder than i had anticipated. I cried 3 different times yesterday. It was hard to enjoy the day but i tried my hardest. I wanted you to enjoy watching my birthday if you could see. I got birthday freebies,  and spent the day with my mom (your grandma Lisa) and your dad. It turned out to be a decent day after all, just harder than any other birthdays. I swore that you visited me yesterday. I don't mean to sound like a nutter Carter, but i swear. (a door that was closed slammed shut, and a stamp of baby hand prints stamped perfect blue hand prints to a mommy and me frame that your grandma lisa got me.) It was nice to think that you were visiting for my birthday, i appreciate it.

There were 4 other women having babies around the same time as me. 2 friends from graduate school, my cousin who is due a week before i was due (early august), and a musician i like (walk off the earth.) Well one of my friends from graduate school had her son a month early and he was born a day before my birthday, and the musician had her son about a week late, also a boy. I am so very happy for these two, especially my friend. But i am also insanely jealous. Why can't you be here with me and your family? What did i do to deserve losing you? Coping with my loss is bad enough, but toss in beautiful baby boys and it gets so much worse. I miss you so much, it hurts. Enjoying life again is hard. I don't want to, i just want you. *sigh...* Since i can't have you i will continue to carry on your memory, and talk about my first born son, if i am ever successful at having children.....

My last post on here your dad commented in the comments section. I wanted to post it officially.
"Your Daddy misses you so much. I'm sorry I haven't been able to write to you as much as your mommy, but know that my heart is filled with just as much love as your mother's heart. I'm glad she's writing you, and I'm glad you seem to keep trying to talk to us in you're owns special way. Don't stop, we can feel you in our hearts."

This makes me happy that he posted here, i wish he would write to you more often Carter. He is writing a story for you Carter. I think you would have liked it. Hopefully he will make it into a comic book with an image of what we think you would have looked like older.

I love you sweetie,
Talk to you soon.
-Mom
P.s. i thought writing mom almost every day for a month would make me feel more like a mom but it feels like a lie. How am i mom to a child who is no longer with us? 

Journaling

Carter i hope that if you somehow can read my blog to know how much i love and miss you. Tomorrow is my 27th birthday but it doesn't feel like it should be celebrated. We lost you a few days over a month ago... I was expecting to be huge and waddling around. I was looking forward to happily rubbing my belly while talking about you. Two baby showers would have been done by now and i figured we would be washing and folding the clothing, setting up the crib, and painting the pink wall red. In some ways i feel that we jinxed you by not painting the wall. I know that is a silly thought.

The animals have been so great Carter. You would have loved them. Toboe the short haired tabby cat curls up by my head and purrs me to sleep. I wake up to Brewster the long haired tabby cat touching my face with his paw and kissing my nose. Loki the border collie is crazy and kisses my face until i laugh when i am crying. He is big and clumsy, but he means well. Kaeci has been driving me crazy lately but she is a 12 year old sheltie-schnauzer. She likes to cuddle on the bed and sometimes lets me put my arm over her. I can't imagine going through the loss of you without animals. Your dad is great and is trying to be supportive but he has his own grief to go through and hasn't been getting much support from many people. Your grandma Lisa has been great though and has gone above and beyond what is expected of a mother in law. But she has always been good like that.

I am looking into the back yard Carter and looking at what is your memorial garden. Your special tree has one apple growing big and strong on it. To the right of the tree is your gift from moe the cast iron pine cone. To the left is your royal blue bird bath from your second aunt marie, uncle mark, and second cousins stephanie, steven, and jessica. I mention this because Loki and Kaeci were just being their usual goofy dog selves. Loki was standing on his hind legs drinking from the bird bath. A few minutes later Kaeci did the same. I was worried that the bird bath was going to fall down, but the dogs seemed to know how special it is and were careful not to knock it over.

I'm sorry for babbling Carter, i just want to talk to you.

Just know my little one that I am thinking of you always and even when i am having fun you are still on my mind.

Love,
Momma Amber

Scrapbooking for you

Two months ago i started making a scrapbook for Carter. I knew that i wanted something that i could just put photos on. I figured that we would be sleep deprived, and a little crazy. Little did i know that i would be insanely sad, and just puttering through my life. It has been 3 weeks and 4 days since we held him, kissed him and tried to memorize his face. I tried to do other crafty things but i was unsuccessful with all of them. Finally i turned on the new matchbox 20 cd, North and started working on his book. I cried through almost every single page, singing along with the music. When that cd was over i switched to the newest Killers cd. There was a song that said "Don't want your picture on my cell phone, I want you here with me..." It was a song about a girl, but hit home. My lock screen is the tattoo design of a baby hawk that J (husband) did, and the background is Carters picture.

Once i got to a point that i was done for the night i brought the scrapbook out to show J. He cried from page one, in this beautiful sobbing sort of way. I could never doubt his love for his son. I am kind of jealous of how he cries. Mine is this wimpy sniffling, tears running down my face sort of crying. His is a chest shaking, loud sobbing. He thanked me for making the scrapbook and said it was beautiful. I appreciated his kind words as nothing feels good enough for our son. We also were given a bird bath at Carters party. Today we took it outside and filled it up. I also hung up the pinecone wind chime by his tree. The middle of our yard has kind of become a shrine to Carter. A place for the birds to play, right by his tree. 

J and I felt like our emotions were repressed for the last 5 days being in N. Carolina with his mom. My mom has this ability to make everyone else cry when she cries, or talks about something sad. Whereas J's mom has this hard exterior. Needless to say i lost it at target over a baby shower invitation which had  spots for people to write in dreams, goals, wishes etc. for the child. J was angry through the day and i knew it was a matter of time before he lost it. The scrapbook cracked him open too. My hope is that Carter can see the scrapbook and know how very much he is and always will be loved. 

My sister F watched our house while we were out of town. She spent the night last night even though we were home. She said that a monarch butterfly got in the house and that the cats chased it and it vanished behind the printer. I was unable to find the butterfly as i wanted to save it. I know that butterflies are considered good luck. We could sure use some as this has been a horrific year for us already. 

This morning i took a pregnancy test and was oddly relieved to find that my hcg level was back to normal and gave me a negative test. I was relieved because i would be second guessing if it came back positive. So at least i will know that when i do get a positive that it is a real positive, and not a false positive. I believe that it is much too early for a positive pregnancy test even if i am pregnant again. 

J made me laugh last night. After we had sex he said something like "you have been fertilized." It was the silliest thing i have ever heard, and yet so oddly true. I love my husband for his odd honesty, and hilarious sense of humor. I am so happy that he is my partner in life.

31 weeks and the second shower

This weekend would have marked 31 weeks.... I was supposed to have the second baby shower tomorrow on Sunday. I was really looking forward to this one. It was held by my mom and grandma at my grandmas house. It was going to have really good food, and cheesy baby games. I was supposed to be opening presents for carter and bashfully thanking everyone for being so kind to him.

We knew months before that we were going to name our son Carter. Everyone knew him as such. When i called to give the devastating news to everyone i said "Carter"and everyone knew what i meant. Carter was already such a part of our family, and i can't imagine not talking about him as such. We also call him our little hawk, i call him my beanie baby (even though he was cauliflower size). Jesse found a red tail hawk stuffed animal that makes a hawk call at Joanne Fabric right before we went to N. Carolina. We took it with us and have been sleeping with it since we got it. Last night before i went to bed i talked to the little hawk stuffed animal and addressed it as Carter. Last night i was granted my first dream of Carter. In the dream he was born and alive, but he was at the NICU. We got to visit him there and the doctors expected him to get better, it was just a matter of time. In the dream he was shrouded in a blurry haze so i couldn't make out any of his features but i knew it was him. I woke up happy because i finally dreamt of him 4 weeks after having him. I was sad because he was already gone and I wouldn't have the chance to touch him or see him again.

I have thought of this dream as a gift and i am thankful i was able to dream of him even if i couldn't see him or touch him.

This is the red tailed hawk stuffed animal. It looks better in real life.

Like a.....

This weekend my husband and i have been set up at Heroes Comic Convention in Charlotte, NC. It has been okay but we have both been really bummed by the children at the show. Mostly little brown haired babies in superhero costumes. It is so hard to see all these babies and not wonder why couldn't my baby still be alive. I was doing okay though.. well "okay" being I had not cried since Tuesday. I took this as coping, but was getting easily irritated and mad at stupid stuff. We drove down here with my husbands mom and stayed with his mom's college friend M.

Today when we got back from the show M had left us a gift on the bed we are sleeping on. Enclosed was a sweet card which said she wished she would have had the chance to know Carter. I felt the tears in my eyes but they did not come. About 10 minutes later my husband was showing M pictures of Carter. She kept putting her hand over her mouth, and saying how perfect and sweet he was. She was talking to me while my husband went to sit down on a chair. She kept talking about Carter even after i had stopped and touched upon things he should have been able to do. I lost it, the tears came and M kept talking about it making the tears continue. I could tell my husbands mom was uncomfortable, but whatever. I appreciated M's support and love for us and Carter. My son is a very lucky boy to have so many people love him and appreciate him. Even when people stop talking about him I have to remember that he is still in everyones hearts.

This is what M got us in remembrance of Carter. It will look amazing next to his tree.

What helps also hurts

Since we lost Carter i have been seeking stories of others who have had stillborn babies. I have bought books, read blogs, joined online support groups, and talked with facebook friends who have had losses.  I have found that while it helps, it also hurts. Most of the time i shrug off what i read because it did not apply to me. I bought a book called About what was lost, by Jessica Berger Gross. When i first started reading the short stories i felt some relief. As i continued i was angered by the stories of women who didn't want their babies. People who wished for a miscarriage or had gotten a abortion made me angry. By the end of the book i was frustrated, as the last story the woman was relieved when she lost her baby.
In the 4 weeks since i lost Carter, i have never felt relief once for losing my son. I understand that there are different situations. But for me losing Carter was never an option. As i was reading http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com i felt the most connection to her and her grief. She lost her baby at 40 weeks and some odd days. Much later then i did.
Reading stories about others makes me feel a bit better, but only because it reminds me that I am not alone.
Not alone in feeling like my body has failed me, my husband, and my adorable Carter.

Remember... You are not alone.

My pet peeve

Today my husband and i went to my O.B.'s office for my after birth appointment. It was the first time we had seen her since our son had passed away. (We saw her a week prior and heard his heartbeat)
We got there on time, and were taken to a room fairly quickly. We sat in the room for about 10ish minutes before the nurse came in and said she would be another 10 minutes. I sighed, i hate to wait and i really didn't feel like going to this appointment. She left me a rude voicemail on friday, and i just wasn't feeling it. But i sucked it up and waited...
When she finally came in she talked and most of what she said really irritated me. The only helpful thing she said was that Carter did not suffocate like i thought (the autopsy said respiratory distress) and that he went peacefully. That made me feel slightly better. The rest of the time i wanted to flee. She said "You won't get pregnant for 3 months" my husband said "what happens if we do??" she said "well then its meant to be." I didn't feel reassured by her for next time, and just left feeling cranky.
The rest of the day i ran errands with my husband, and seeing babies and pregnant women just slowly grated on me. When i got home i had plans to write my essay to try and get into a doctorate program, and a few thank you cards.
I just feel exhausted, and missing my baby hawk....

I love you carter honey.

Carter's Party

June 1st, 2013 we had a what we called "a celebration of life party." I had remembered from my childhood that my mom's friend Debbie had a party when her dad passed away. He wanted to be remembered in a good way, and for his children to have support and love from family and friends but to not have a sad event. I decided that i wanted the same thing for Carter and my husband agreed. The party started at 3pm on Saturday and people started showing up about half an hour early. We had an amazing turn out and people stayed for a really long time. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. We had delicious food, beverages, and a variety of desserts. If Carter was watching, which i like to think he was, he would have loved all the people there for him.

Near the end of the celebration when only friends, and my mom and step sister remained we decided to write messages on balloons. We went out to his apple tree, lit his birthday cake and sang happy birthday to him. Then we released the balloons.

We came inside and ate his cake which was confetti cake with chocolate frosting. It was perfectly moist and delicious. My friends ravenously ate it even after all of the other desserts at the party. The party was perfect and i felt so lucky to have such good friends and family around to support us and love Carter.

Birth of Carter Story

I just submitted this to: http://facesofloss.com/
This is Carter's Birth Story:

I had an uneventful pregnancy. I had no morning sickness, and my biggest complaint was that I was tired in my first trimester. I never had any bleeding, and had no questions for my OB doctor. The appointments were uneventful, and as of 26 weeks everything sounded great.

My baby boy’s heartbeat was strong. My doctor just wanted to make sure he was growing well and she scheduled an ultrasound for that following week.

I guess this is the part where I should mention that I am 26 years old, have been happily married for 4 years, and have antiphospholipid syndrome (APS). APS is basically “sticky blood.” I take blood thinners, and in the case of pregnancy I take Lovenox. My OB sent me to Maternal Fetal Medicine to figure out what dose I should be on and they recommended 80 mg 2x/daily. I didn’t think to question this; I really should have.

Jump to the week following my OB appointment. It is Thursday, May 16^th, 2013. It is 1:00 am and my husband is saying goodnight to me so he can go work on artwork in the basement (he’s an illustrator.) I keep feeling my belly stretch but I figure it’s my little guy being active.  My husband swears that he can feel our son Carter moving around. I fall asleep but keep getting woken up by what I shrug off as Braxton hicks contractions. At 4:00 am I go to the basement and tell my husband that the contractions are getting more frequent and have become a little painful. He urges me to call the doctor but again, I figure its just false contractions. By 5:00 am I am a little worried and decide to call my doctor.

The on call doctor tells me to go to the labor and delivery wing at the hospital to rule out a bladder infection. I tell my husband and we get in the car and head to the hospital. We hit every red light on the way, and I am telling my husband to relax that we will get there when we get there. We get there at 5:20 am. We walk in and are taken back to triage to listen for my son Carter’s heartbeat. The tech runs the wand over my belly for a while and asks where does my doctor usually find his heartbeat. I point to the right side and she continues searching. She gets up and goes to get an ultrasound machine. At this point I start crying because I have a sickening feeling. I wonder to myself when the last time I felt him moving around. My husband swore he felt him at 1:00 am, but I think I last felt him at 8 pm the night before.

The tech and another person come in and use the wand on my belly. I see my sweet baby boy, but no heart beating on the monitor and he isn’t moving around like he always does. I am crying non-stop at this point and know that my baby is dead, my husband is holding my hand and crying. 6 more people come in and search for a heart beat. A doctor comes in and tells me that my baby has died. Because he was 27 weeks I have to deliver him. We call our families who come rushing to our sides so early in the morning.

This feels like a sick dream to me. How can I deliver my first child who isn’t even alive anymore? Can’t they just knock me out and take him so I don’t have to experience birth with a dead baby. All of these thoughts were running through my head. They tell me I can either go home for 12 hours while my lovenox wears off so I can get an epidural, or I can stay at the hospital for 12 hours. Either way they are not comfortable inducing labor while the lovenox is still in my system. I choose to go home. I take a shower, and numbly wander my house with my husband. We take turns crying back and forth. I just keep thinking why me, why can’t I have a healthy living son instead of a baby who has already died inside me? I have my husband take my first and only belly shot (I thought I just looked fat and didn’t want a belly photo before that.)

It is 7:30 pm same day. We arrive at the hospital. Thoughts of “I can’t do this” run through my head. My husband has his arms around me, and my dad is with me they usher me into the labor and delivery area of the hospital. We get to the elevator, and a woman who is in labor joins us. It feels like the longest elevator ride ever. I wonder why does this woman get a healthy baby and I am here to deliver my son who passed away. She heads down to the desk to check in and I find myself unable to move. I sit down on the bench and a nurse named Carrie comes down with paperwork and tells me I don’t need to come down there. I fill out the paperwork and blindly follow her to the labor and delivery suites. My mom, my husband’s parents, my dad, my stepdad, my stepsister, my best friend Katherine and my husband are all in the room with me.

Dr. D comes in and tells me it is time to induce labor with these odd little sticks that expand my cervix over several hours. I prop my legs up in the stirrups and these spotlights are pointed right at my lady bits. I have never felt so exposed in my life. Him and his assistant put in the sticks, which feels like a slightly painful pressure. It takes about 5 minutes but feels like an hour with my bits on display. He says this labor could take several hours or several days then says that I can have an epidural at about 6:30 am when he gets back in.

The next 6 hours or so go by in a blur and eventually it is just me, my mom and my husband in the delivery room. The nurse Carrie props me up with about 8 pillows, gives me a sedative and a nice shot of morphine. I fall asleep at about 11:30 pm on Thursday.

I wake up with blinding pain shooting through my body. It is about 3:20 am and I am yelling to my husband to get Carrie I think my water broke. She comes in and tells me to go to the bathroom. I some how get to the bathroom and I have the desire to push. I push and I hear plunk, plunk. I reach down and feel something dangling between my legs. I yell out Carrie! She has me waddle to the bed while my son’s legs are hanging out of me. I climb on the bed and she has me push twice. By 3:28 am my son is born without the doctor. Just me, my husband and the nurse Carrie. The doctor comes rushing in too little too late but in time to deliver the placenta and have my husband cut the umbilical cord. The tech with the doctor said “what do we do with it?” and the doctor responded “we give HIM to his mother.”

The next thing I know my perfect red baby is on my chest and I am crying again. He is beyond perfect to me. Except for the fact that he isn’t breathing, and not alive. In my heart I know he is gone, but I am desperately hoping for a miracle. The miracle never came….

Carter was 27 weeks, 13 inches, and 1.94 pounds. He was born at 3:28am on May 17^th, 2013.

The next 6 hours were the best and worst of my life. I feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to meet and hold my son in my arms and kiss his face. We took hundreds of photos, got his footprints, and got casts of his feet. We got to spend six precious hours that I will never forget. I would give just about anything to have him alive and well. It is such a terrible tragedy to lose a child, and I would never wish it on my worst enemy.

Since his passing I find myself questioning myself, and the doctors. My OB told me that she would not increase my lovenox so I went to my primary doctor. I question if I should find a new OB one without a god complex.

We have planted a special hybrid apple tree and got a special urn for him. We are having a celebration of his life party on June 1^st, 2013. He will always be our special little hawk baby. We will never forget him, and will love him until our dying day when we will join him wherever he is.

Love you sweet baby boy.

Remembering you at 2 weeks after

Carter, you have been gone now for 2 weeks. This week would have been my 30th week of having you inside me. Instead i am left with an emptiness that feels like a black hole sucking everything into it. People are still supportive, and thanking me for being so open about your existence. I can't imagine how much worse this would feel if i had to pretend that you didn't exist for 1 day shy of 28 weeks. If given the chance to start over i would have pushed for the doctors to have increased my lovenox and maybe just maybe there would not have been clots in the placenta.... Reading your autopsy report and reading that there was lung distress, which ultimately meant that you suffocated inside me makes me nauseous. The idea that my body was working against you makes me hate myself a little more. I want to try again, and i hope that you will watch over the new life that will be growing inside me. It seems to be a glimmer of hope that helps your dad and i pull out of these dark places. The idea that the toys we got for you will be played with, the clothing worn, and the furniture used. I so very much wish that it was you using it, and i hope your sibling one day will feel you there with them.

Tomorrow June 1st we are having a celebration of life party for you. To celebrate the life you unfortunately did not get to live. To show how much you are loved, and always will be loved. Your grandma Lisa definitely loves you. I know that others love you too, but she is the only one who shows it like your dad and i do.

We got you a really special urn Carter. It looks more amazing in person, just like you. Your dad and i wrote you special messages and placed it in your urn. The turtle signifies your journey, one which i hope ends one day with us reuniting with you, my sweet son.

I love you my sweet adorable son, i hope you never doubt that.
-Love Momma Amber

This is a good description of what it feels like to have a stillbirth. http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/04/what-i-mean-when-i-say-my-daughter-was-stillborn/

Remains...

These past 10 days since we said goodbye to our sweet Carter have been really hard. Tomorrow we go to the funeral home to pick up his ashes. We planted a hybrid apple tree that grows three apples. He is special to us and felt that he deserved a special tree to honor him. The only person besides my husband who has been supportive is my mom. Carter's urn is coming on Thursday and we are having a celebration of his life party on Saturday.

My husband and i had sex for the first time since we lost our little guy. It was passionate and nice.

A job well done

I received such wonderful care at the hospital that i wanted to let labor and delivery know about my nurses and doctors. Here is the note i sent:

I was admitted to the labor and delivery suite after several ultrasounds confirmed that my 27 week old son had no heartbeat. My whole world was crashing around me and two individuals made a horrific situation bearable. Nicole and Carrie were two nurses that made me feel respected, cared for and went above and beyond what is expected of a nurse. They checked in on me even when i didn't need anything. They were a shoulder to cry on. Nicole took such great care when taking my son Carter from my arms, she wrapped him up tenderly and took him for his autopsy. If he could see her, he would know how much a complete stranger cared for him. Carrie held my hand when they were inducing me and continued to compassionately care. Both nurses were amazing and you are lucky to have them both. I hope someday that i am successful in a pregnancy and that i can have these two wonderful ladies on my service. Dr. Deenadalyu was a great doctor who explained everything and made me feel respected in a powerless situation. He explained things so well and didn't dumb anything down. I felt that he respected Carter, and when a tech said "what do we do with it?" after carter was born, doctor deenadalyu said "we give HIM to his mother." I know that in the upcoming days things will still be hard from the loss of my son but these 3 individuals made me feel like he was being cared for as if he were alive. Thank you.

Patient relations wrote me back and said: 

Dear Mrs. R

I would like to offer my most sincere condolences to you and your family for your loss. It was very kind of you to take the time to let us know of your experience and I assure you that I will forward your email to the manager for the Labor and Delivery unit so that she is aware of the care that you received. If there is anything further that I can be of assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely,

Pam

I hope that they are at least patted on the back for their great nursing.

goodbye my love

On Thursday at 1am i started having what i thought were braxton hicks contractions. By 4 am they were increasing and were a little painful. At 5 i called the on call doctor who told me to go to the hospital immediately. At 5:30 they found no heartbeat and confirmed with multiple ultrasounds. I take lovenox so they told me i would have to come back around 7:30 pm same day and they would induce me for labor. My husband and i went back at 7:30 and they put in this device to dilate me. They said it could take days for me to deliver. At 3:20 am on friday i started having terrible contractions and told my husband to get the nurse. By 3:28 am i had given birth to my sweet beautiful son Carter, just me, my husband, the nurse and my baby. I was 27 weeks and he was perfect in every way. He had my nose, and my husbands feet. Its only been a few days since we lost him, and every day i can't believe that he is no longer with me.

I have Antiphospholipid Antibodies. 

Researching APS, lovenox, and pregnancy is helping take my mind off Carter for a few minutes.....